[ once everyone's back in town safely (or mostly safely) and settled back down, a few days after they were released from the Snow Queen's palace, Lupin takes the time to deliver a little something to Cairngorm. Naturally, in his case, this means breaking and entering. He picks out a time of day when neither Cairngorm nor Lottie nor Phos will be around, sneaks in, and sneaks right back out without leaving a single mote of dust out of place.
The only sign that he was there is one he meant to leave: on Cairngorm's bed, propped up against their stuffed Shiro, is the copy of Robin Hood that they'd lent him several months ago while he was recovering from his gunshot wound. That, too, is essentially in the condition they left it, but preserved between the pages of Robin Hood's 150th ballad is a single red rose, the kind that had previously been blooming in front of Lupin's house. Along with that is a card, helpfully signed (as if there was any doubt as to who left this there.) The contents read:
"To my fair Night-star Jewel, Cairngorm,
This is a notice of my intentions: that within the following thirty days I will appear before you, and at that time I will dispel all lingering Confusion between us, and I will take for myself two of your most prized possessions as you have taken the likes of them from me.
If you find this arrangement disagreeable I am graciously giving you time to consider how to stop me. However, you have demonstrated to me otherwise, and I believe you shall find yourself most content with allowing me to do as I please in this regard. Trust that I am thinking only of you and all that you offer.
[ They really should start anticipating for these dramatic acts, and they make a mental note to do so in the future, but for now, they're unfortunately left with being completely blindsided by this cryptic note. Gems are obsessive creatures by nature, even one as who acts as aloof as Cairngorm, and they find themself re-reading the note over and over and over until they have the contents completely memorized.
They can't say they're unhappy about the promise of this state of confusion ending— not being able to tell his true thoughts or how much of what they've done is because of curses and magic is driving them insane. At this point, they're not even sure if they would prefer it if he just gets it over with, or puts it off until the thirtieth day. Ah, well, that's assuming they don't disagree to this arrangement, right? Before they realize it, they hadn't even been considering doing that. Hmm. Not a great sign...
The only other anxiety they have about his note other than the obvious one is the part about "possessions"; they can't recall taking anything from him, nor owning anything that he would like or have use for. The literalness of their reading impedes their full understanding of that portion, but... that's just what happens. There's nothing that can be done about that, except think about how to forcibly take things back from him if he tries to steal one of their very few items.
Well, that aside. There is one place that they think is safe to go to without crossing paths with him, and that's the library. If they do work, their mind will be taken off of this - at least, that's what they think. If he happens to see them inside (they're way too in their head to notice anyone entering), reality is at odds with that thought; they're distracted, not working terribly efficiently, sometimes staring at the same pages for minutes on end without even blinking. The copy of Robin Hood he'd returned to them sits on the library desk, obviously sans the note and rose, but still not shelved away. ]
[ for all his confidence, he is partially expecting them to show up and tell him to knock it off, or at least question him -- but no, they say nothing, and he's sure that they read it, snoop that he is. Lupin is a glass-half-full kind of man. He'll say that means they're ready to hear what he has to say.
Most people would probably be nervous about this. They're near a thousand years old, immortal, not even human, never smiled at him once in the 9 months he's known them - and that's beside the usual nerve-wracking stuff at times like these. But he doesn't make bets that he doesn't think he'll win. He's been watching them carefully, and as much as the town itself seems hellbent on clouding their true feelings, he's seen that blush in their cheeks and held their small cold hands in his enough times to believe in his chances. And, more than anything... he can't take it any longer. Putting up with this, stealing looks at each other when they think the other isn't watching and keeping everything safely veiled behind words just vague enough to leave one another guessing. Patience isn't one of Lupin's virtues, really. So he tightens his bow tie, buttons up his jacket, steels his heart and sets out for Cairngorm's home.
(he thought about wearing the thief getup, he really did, but they're never that impressed with it, and this is something he wants to say as Lupin, not the Gentleman Thief.)
The sun's setting when Lupin appears, aiming precisely for a time when he thinks they'll be home and in their room. It doesn't matter if the others are home or not. Why? Because he's going through the window. Or, rather, he's knocking at the window, perched on the outside like it's the most normal thing in the world - even if their room's a floor or two off the ground. ]
[ He'll find that they are in their room at this time, sitting and reading at their desk as they always are around this time of day— and the knocking certainly startles them to a degree. Without thinking, they glance back down to their desk to make sure the note and flower are hidden away from sight - as much as they re-read it, they also have kept it stashed somewhere their two nosy housemates won't find it. Then, they're looking back up to the window with a tense expression.
Of course, there is only one reason why he is here right now. They have to admit the wait had been killing them, but at the same time, they almost were hoping he'd forget or something. Gems aren't too fond of change, after all, no matter how badly all this was eating away at them. Every part of that note, they've been overthinking about for days, weeks, to the point that it took considerable effort not to act strangely around other people. Even the placement of it stressed them out; there's no coincidence that it was placed in the 150th ballad, not with someone as dramatic as him. He's probably feeling nervous himself, but they too are definitely feeling the weight of all that built up anxiety when they look at him from across the room.
Eventually, though, they make the decision to close the book at their desk and stalk over to the window's vicinity, seemingly stressed but not in their usual way; the furrow in the brow seems forced, hands clenched to belie any nervousness. And then, without so much as opening the window, they speak: ]
What are you doing out there. [ They didn't think the "appear before them" part would be so literal. He's insane. Their voice is slightly hushed despite its stressed tone, as the others are indeed home. ] Here to take my stuff?
[ If they didn't have to talk so quietly, they wouldn't have even bothered getting close to the window, but alas. Still, they don't open it for him. ]
[ yeah, he's a little insane, but he likes to think that's part of his charm. Cairngorm, perhaps, does not share that viewpoint so much; Lupin makes a face of disbelieving amusement when they come over yet leave the window closed. Anxiety is written into their features more visibly than usual, and it makes him feel a little more nervous, too, but he doesn't show it (he never does.) Now's not the time for nerves. If they've got worries, then it's his job to assuage those worries and handle things for them. Striking a balance between captivating them and comforting them here is a thin line to walk, but he doesn't intend to trip up. ]
That's right. But I'm starting with a kidnapping first. [ he keeps his voice low, too - he'd rather not deal with any interruptions. Returning to his usual confident expression, he makes a beckoning motion. ] Now, come with me. I've got a lot to say to you that you shouldn't hear through a window.
[ he'd hold his hand out to them if it weren't for that window, too, but alas. ]
[ They keep eye-contact with him for a long moment, contemplating. He really is serious. As much as they've wanted an answer from him, how they wanted to confirm all the questions they have, they seem torn, looking back to their desk for a beat.
Then, they sigh, like they're resigning themself in defeat. Their hand goes to the latch. ]
You couldn't come to the door like someone normal? For crying out loud...
[ The note was dramatic enough. Whatever. They sort of missed their chance to tell him not to do this, and that's because they did want this outcome, at their core... not that they knew it would be like this. But since they missed that, they guess they don't really have a choice but to go along quickly and rip the bandaid off. ]
Get out of the way, then.
[ It's slightly reluctant, but they are opening it. The bottom line is that whatever he's about to tell them (which they can't let themself think about yet), they don't want anyone else to hear. ]
Don't be like that. It's more exciting this way, isn't it? [ he shifts out of the way, hanging off the edge of the window in a way that would probably be impossible for most other people. ] Besides, I came to see you, not your roommates. Only you.
[ he has a feeling Cairngorm would rather Lottie and Phos don't know about this little rendezvous, no matter what the outcome is - they keep to themself even around him. Then again, it's not like he'd want Akechi to know about this, either. This is between the two of them alone.
Once they've opened the latch, he drops down to the ground again, waiting for them to follow. As dramatic as they might think this is, it could have been much more so; for Lupin, this is tame, and he doesn't have any particularly grand destination in mind. Indeed, he seems a little quieter than usual, if anything; Flavo is quiet, too, in the snow, and that bit of tension in the air is all that belies his own nervousness. ]
[ They're lucky there's so much snow. Under a normal circumstance, there'd be a heavy thud when they land, but thankfully, all the frost mutes it. With one last look to the window they shut behind them, they follow him - but not without leaving a little space between them. ]
I don't know what I expected.
[ For as much as they over-thought about the card itself, they didn't really have a clear image for what he was going to do, outside of confronting them in some way, and taking some of their things. So far, they guess this sort of lines up with that, even if the method startled them so much. It's weird, things have been strained between them for kind of a while now - ambiguous, but only enough so that there were still moments between them to cling onto and overthink about. In the moment, though, there's not a ton to question about what's going on. They both know that wherever this little walk leads to, along the way, something will change between them. Knowing that doesn't make anything less tense, though, especially not in the quiet.
They sigh, trying to quell their nerves, or at least put on a show that denies they're having any. ]
I wasn't sure how you were going to go about taking things from me when you told me you were going to do it.
[ it's hard to tell if Cairngorm took him very literally, or if they're being indirect about answering him -- either way, he wasn't expecting them to give him a useful answer, either. That's just how they are. And that's just fine. What's he even nervous about, anyway? He's only got things to be happy about. If they don't understand what his words meant, then he'll lay them out for them clearly - and if his gut is right (and it always is), he'll give them something to be happy about, too. Lupin turns to face them, walking backwards through the snow without skipping a beat. ]
Not sure, huh...? With any luck, I think you'll be giving them to me yourself.
[ when he turns around again, a big grin breaks out on his face; he looks over his shoulder and makes a beckoning motion towards them before starting to run, breaking away from Flavo's dirt roads to head through some of its bare winter woods. ]
[ That's.... maybe the last thing they expected him to do, so they're delayed in starting to follow him. They just sort of stand there in disbelief for a second or two, watching him dart off into the sparse woods. What does he mean, there isn't time to waste? Well, as much as they'd like to over think for a little more, he's getting farther and farther away.
Begrudgingly (very begrudgingly), they leave the path after him, though they're not putting all their strength into running. They don't want to catch up with him, in case they're getting led into some weird trap, so they trail four or five paces behind him. ]
Where are you going?!
[ They certainly didn't follow him to chase him through the woods, so they're feeling a little lost... ]
[ truth be told, the two of them could have gotten there by walking just as well - but it would take longer, and he doesn't want a long, tense journey, filled with taut silences and filler small-talk, just to get to a place more private. That's the reason he's doing this, after all; he's tired of circling around the subject. His feelings. Their feelings. Lupin wants to get to the bottom of it.
Plus, it's cold out. No harm in getting his blood running.
Their destination really isn't far, though. He doesn't take Cairngorm more than a minute or two away, up a hill with an abandoned cottage sitting near the peak, not much different from the dozens of abandoned cottages in the district. This one's only slightly unusual in that it has the remains of a little greenhouse attached to it - and, naturally, that's straight where he leads them. A decent amount of the glass has been punched out of it, unsurprisingly, leaving piles of snow littered around; still, it keeps the wind out and provides a bit of shelter, and nature's already started reclaiming it. It's hard to tell which of the plants there snuck in from the woods and which ones were there originally and simply grew unruly. But there are plenty of them there, even in the winter, snowberries and camellias, and though they mostly lack color, they're dyed a gentle orange-purple hue by the sunlight still filtering in.
He comes to a stop in the middle of it, catching his breath just slightly before standing up straight and planting his hands on his hips. ]
Good - we made it in time! As expected of me and you.
[ They maintain that distance from him even when they get to the greenhouse, slowing their gait to a careful walk once they enter. Obviously, they've never been over here. They're not the type to go exploring, or to go anywhere they don't absolutely need to in order to finish tasks. So they take in their surroundings for a beat; the broken glass, the flowers, how the sun tints them a different shade. It's pretty, if only from a distant standpoint. ]
In time for what...?
[ At least they seem a little more exasperated than nervous— running had distracted them slightly, as does this new location. This is getting further and further from the vagueness of what they were expecting, so they're left with nothing to do but to let him lead them along and ask what's happening. They cross their arms, hugging themself almost defensively while they take another tentative step inside - they only get close enough so that he's a little more than arm's length away, watching him with as careful of an eye as they can muster. ]
[ if it made them a little less nervous, then running over here like a couple of idiots was worth it. He turns around to face them, smiling as if the answer is obvious. ]
You don't know? This is the time of day where you look the most beautiful.
[ perfectly matter-of-fact, and perfectly earnest. His reasoning really is that simple. Their pale skin and glittering, near-translucent hair catch the rays of the setting sun in a way that would make any artist scramble for their easel and paints - at least, in his esteemed opinion. (He's stolen plenty of both gems and paintings, so he thinks he should know.) As they'd said, Cairngorm is certainly no princess, and they may not even be his princess by the end of this conversation, but it won't stop him from treating them like one. If they're going to hear what he has to say, they should at least know how brilliantly they shine in his eyes while he does it.
He does notice the way they keep their distance, their defensive posture and careful gaze, and he smiles, a little ruefully, a little affectionately. ]
I don't think I've ever seen you look so nervous around me. [ a beat. ] Even though you've been a lot closer to me than this. Maybe you were serious about not being able to relax around me, after all.
[ They pull their lips into a tight line when he says that, feeling his praise run through them like a shock. Of course, they don't believe fully that he'd really drag them here at this time specifically just to make a comment of their beauty in the setting sun. He's just saying it because he thinks it. It's difficult for them to know how to react to it, even if it gives them pleasant feeling... so they just avert their eyes to the floor, scuffing their heel against the boards. ]
That's...
[ They start, but don't finish. For someone sharp-tongued like them, it's odd to see them at such a loss for words. But how are they supposed to explain how they're feeling? They're nervous because they can't make sense of what's going on. They don't like being in situations where they can't feasibly predict what will happen. He'd said he was going to clear the confusion between them, hinting boldly that his feelings for them go outside the realm of platonic, but even so... thinking about what that means for the both of them, if that's even possible between them; it's stressed them out a lot, and still is.
They would've been perfectly fine just leaving things as they were with Lupin. Thinking of him from afar, being grateful to him for what he's done for them already. That's plenty for someone like them that doesn't ask for more than is readily handed to them. But all this, what he's done and what he intends to do here are pulling them out of their comfortable little world where they can keep to themself and stay away from a tangible attachment. That's what's making them nervous; a fear of change, and a fear of getting closer than they ought to. ]
...How am I supposed to relax? [ There is a little, tiny tinge of irritation, here. This much should be obvious to him. ] We're not here for no reason.
[ They can't look at him. In fact, when they dart their eyes to the side, it's almost like they're making sure they're truly alone. Is he not nervous, too...? ]
[ so they do know what's going on; Lupin hadn't actually been sure they understood what he'd been hinting at. How does romance work between gems? He has no idea. It was possible his intentions flew straight over their head. That they didn't is a relief, and encouraging, to boot.
As encouraging as it can be when Cairngorm looks so scared. They look particularly small and out-of-place in this moment. He wants to wrap them up in his arms and hold them close. But when the source of that fear is him, he can't exactly do that. Lupin has a variety of guesses on why they're so hesitant about this - that he's a human, that he's a mortal, that this is happening here in Chroma, that they've never had anyone love them before. All he can do now is try to overwhelm those fears with something softer. ]
Hah - fair point. Well then, I won't beleaguer the point... First order of business: dispel confusion.
[ he lets his arms drop back to his sides. As much as he enjoys planning things, he finds that planning out these moments too far ruins them, in a way - better to just let the flow of conversation guide him. All he keeps in mind are the things he wants to make sure they know. And no, shockingly, he no longer appears nervous at all. (Whether or not he actually is is another story entirely; he's simply had years of mastering the ability to hide his emotions underneath layers and layers of confidence.) ]
Sorry, but I've been lying to you. [ which sounds very ominous, but he continues, letting his eyes stray from them off towards the sunset. ] Back at that harvest festival, I told you it was that food making me act strangely. Taking you by the hand, all of that... Later, too, in the palace, when I told you to get close to me for warmth, and when I asked you to come with me to protect me from those snow knights? All nonsense. I was just finding excuses to stay close to you. You see, I'm a selfish man. I told you I didn't want you to get lonely, but in all honesty, I'm the one who would be lonely if I didn't get to see you.
[ his amber eyes flick back over to Cairngorm, and he smiles a little sheepishly, scratching his cheek with one gloved finger. ]
When Phos showed up, I was actually kind of jealous.
[ It's more like they have heightened suspicion that that's his intention here. They know they're not here for no reason just because of his warning alone. Gems have a vague understanding of romance; it's never something Cairngorm thought very much of, as 1) they were always busy dealing with their situation with Ghost and 2) gems don't tend to think of love in very distinct, defineable ways. Being in Chroma changed that. What they've come to understand through books and the people around them as love is not absurdly far from what they already thought of it - exclusive emotional intimacy is not a concept foreign to gems, after all. The depiction of it in this world is just slightly different. But their feelings for him, too, are slightly different than anything they've felt for anyone else.
No matter how much they've come to understand it on their own terms, they're still too apprehensive to readily assert that's really what he meant to imply. They can suspect it, but there's always the chance that they're misinterpreting things; they've had enough moments of misunderstanding human culture to be wary of it. Gem understanding aside, it's no secret to either of them that Cairngorm keeps to themself, and has historically not even been physically capable of being close to others, being loved by others. So, that inexperience is playing a role too, in their unease. Even his words here are still just short of letting them be completely 100% sure of it. Him admitting he's wanted to be close to them all this time is still a big deal, regardless... ]
Jealous of Phos?
[ They repeat back, tentative. They're recalling when he'd mistaken them for "lovers, or some gem equivalent." But even still. They won't assume that's what he's referring to. If they're going to be sure, they want to hear everything from Lupin himself. ]
And what reason do you have to be jealous of them?
[ Here's where they'd usually crack a harsh insult at Phos's numerous undesireable qualities, but they hold back, for now. Bigger fish to fry. ]
[ They need to ask? He knows they're not this clueless. Do they really have so little confidence in themself - so little faith in his feelings - that they still refuse to take that last logical leap? Maybe they just want to hear him say it out loud. That's fine. Lupin planned on getting there, anyway. Rather than giving them a hard time over their doubts, he simply accepts them, moving on smoothly. ]
Well... When I first met them, they said they were your better-than-best friend, your partner, someone you do everything together with. I remember thinking, "I can't believe Cairngorm's had someone else all along!" [ he laughs a little, shaking his head, then continues. ] They asked if I knew "their" Cairngorm. That really bothered me...
[ the only Cairngorm he knew was his - that had been his first thought, back then, even if he'd swallowed it so deeply he'd not acknowledged it even to himself. ]
You cleared it all up, of course. It doesn't bother me now. Actually, I'm glad you have someone you can count on back home. [ they need it; they shouldn't be alone. Lupin pauses, then, and then his voice softens. His words are quiet, but never lose their confidence. ] ... What's between you and I, it's special. I wanted it to be more special than your partnership, then - that's why I was jealous. I want to be the one you'll do everything with - the one you can rely on for anything and everything. I want to be the one you go to when you're bored, when you're lonely, when you're happy... I want to be the one who makes you smile, Cairn.
[ his pulse is thundering in his ears, but his expression remains calm, and certain; he's so much taller than they are, so he finds himself taking a knee, reaching for one of their hands with both of his own. Despite his big words, he didn't come here to steal anything - only to ask for it, and he does, meeting their eyes with an unwavering gaze. ]
Whether those desires are fulfilled or not is up to you to decide. But there is one thing I can tell you with certainty on my own - I'm in love with you. I mean it.
[ These words pierce through them like an arrow. They're so foreign on their ears; the prospect of someone wanting to be by their side, thinking of them as something special. Typically, they go through life not bothering making themself too visible to others— they stay on the path, stay mostly reclusive just as their predecessor had. But hearing this all, it makes them feel so exposed, so seen, like they're real, and not coasting under the guise of someone else. It's simultaneously thrilling and absolutely terrifying. It sort of puts them into a state of shock, even if they'd been suspecting something close to this turn of events. They grow more and more still the more he goes on, staring into his gaze with wide eyes.
I'm in love with you. I mean it. ]
What— what are you saying...
[ They splutter out, just to say something. It feels like their mind is lagging behind the current moment, dizzy with the weight of all the words that preceded that. Someone like Lupin, in love with them? Confident, popular Lupin. They don't think in their near thousand years of living that anyone has ever actually been jealous of the idea of them being close to someone else. Not only that, but he specifically doesn't want anyone else to be the one closest to them. Something blooms in their chest at realizing that, underneath the fear and metaphorical andrenaline— not warmth, but it definitely feels like something close to it. ]
I mean— what are you doing? [ They're overwhelmed by what they're feeling in the moment, and by what they feel for him. Gratitude, validation, affection. Its hard to come up with anything substantial to say; they don't necessarily mean to leave him hanging, but it's hard to process it all at once. So they buy themself some time, shifting their hand in his so they can tug up, but very clearly not tugging out. ] Get up.
[ What they're feeling is overwhelming enough; this dramatic display of him kneeling before them feels like so much attention is being drawn to them that its deafening. When it comes down to it, they're not used to being addressed so directly, or being put on a pedestal, so they naturally shy away from it. But they don't want to let go. Would it really be so bad? A partnership between them. Not of the kind that has to do with war, or sorting books in ancient libraries. Just someone they could rely on, who's acknowledged them like no one has before, cared about them like no one has before. Who they care a lot about, too. That's what they find themself thinking, while they stare back at him. ]
You're actually serious...? How can you...
[ Be in love with me? They're forcibly reminded that it's simply not in their nature to wholeheartedly believe they're anything too special to anyone - they knew something would come of that note, something was between them, but its way more intense when they're in the face of it. They don't necessarily doubt him, per se. Lupin is earnest as they come. But this moment feels unreal, almost; receiving this confession, for them and no one else, surrounded by the setting sun. It feels like a scene out of a fairytale. ]
[ He almost feels guilty for saying so much, knowing how shy they can be and how very unaccustomed to this they are. Almost, but not quite. He meant every word. Cairngorm deserves to hear it all.
Lupin lets them pull him to his feet (not that he has much of a choice in the matter), keeping his fingers wrapped around theirs. No matter how this turned out, he wasn't going to regret any of it, but this part, the part after he tells them, is the one he could predict least of all. As far as he's concerned, there was a non-zero chance of them yelling at him and straight-up running away. But they don't; they're confused and sputtering, but they're not letting go, either. That spurs him on, just a little. He stays close to them when he stands. ]
How could I not be? You're beautiful, strong, clever... You can try to hide it all you like, but you've got a good heart, too. [ the words come out naturally - he's got no plans, now, just whatever's in his heart, and as he speaks them, he feels them burning stronger. Yes - how could he not be? Who else would defy him fearlessly, spit fire at him, yet still take his arm and carefully step around his feet when he wanted to show them how to dance? The same beautiful, delicate features that he'd gently held and mended with his own hands belonged to a warrior that could topple giants and shatter glaciers. Only the most spectacular jewels could catch the eye of the gentleman thief. There's no one else like Cairngorm.
he sighs, just slightly, not from exasperation or nerves, but from simple heartache. The more he says, the heavier it feels. He wants nothing more than to hold them and tell them every little good point they have until they're more of a ruby than a quartz and have no chance of forgetting any of it. But he's a gentleman. ]
[ Their face twists before they can stop it at that little heartfelt sigh, and they duck their head as if it'll hide it from him. Something about the ease and gentle warmth from his last words push them over the edge. If they were physically able, they'd probably be on the verge of tears from this. ]
You're the only one...
[ That would say that about me, is what they want to say, but don't quite finish before their voice breaks off. It seems so simple. What he's saying is not even that complex or specific to them, just kind and natural, but it still shakes them to their core. It isn't the first time he's made them feel a sliver of what it's like to be wanted, but here, it feels all-encompassing, like they're being wrapped up in the feeling. He's right, they don't have any idea. Cairngorm doesn't necessarily hate themself, they just don't think of themself. Maybe that's why hearing this from him is so disorienting. All their life, they've gone unnoticed by nearly everyone - at first, unwillingly, and later, by choice. But he continues to reassure them of their inherent value, how "wonderful" they are in his eyes. That's more than people who have known them for centuries have ever done for them.
They let out a shuddering breath, keeping their head down, but looking at their hand between his. It feels like nothing else matters but these hands in theirs, and the storm of emotions running through them. Not the war at home, not this vile town they're stuck in, not the fact that they're an immortal crystal and he's human. Right now, he's the only thing that matters even a little to them. How grateful they feel to have met him, to receive this affection for him - that's what matters. He doesn't know how much this means to them, how much everything he already does means to them. Well, at least not yet.
Their hand tightens in his, and what they say next is raw, like its being wrenched out of them. ]
...You're the only one I could feel this for.
[ That's what they should say instead. Acknowledging what they feel for him to themself, and aloud to him, means coming to terms with the reality of inevitably losing someone they care for, and they'd been afraid of that - they still are. But he has to know. Its frightening to take the final step off the ledge and let themself fall, but they find that their longing for this tight feeling and for his kindness outweighs the instinct to shove away to protect themself. ]
To you— is that what I am?
[ Are they as special to him as he is to them? He doesn’t feel this for anyone else? That’s the last thing they want to know. ]
[ his next words were going to be reassurances that there was no need for them to respond to him immediately - this is a lot in a short period of time for someone who lives such a long, slow life, and their history and personality only make it all harder to accept, he's sure. When he planned this, he didn't necessarily expect everything to be resolved at once. He'd simply wanted to clear the air and perhaps learn, at the very least, if he did have a chance. Yes, he feels confident in his belief that they feel something for him, too, but assumptions couldn't take him further than this point. Plans rarely go off without a hitch, after all.
So he's sure they're saying you're the only one that thinks that or something along those lines. They'd said similar things to him before. The conflict is plain on their face and the way they try to conceal it. Lupin is not ignorant of the fact that what he's doing might hurt them, probably will hurt them in the long run - he just believes the happiness he could give them will outweigh it. Maybe that's what they're worrying about now. Or maybe they're still feeling disbelief and a lack of worth. His mind keeps working tirelessly, coming up with more words, words to comfort, words to convince, something better to say to swat away those fears - but he doesn't end up needing any of them. His eyes widen when they finish their sentence at last - Cairngorm finally managed to take him off-guard in this conversation - before he smiles back, equal parts affectionate and boyishly excited. ]
Yes. You, and you alone.
[ he could joke around, make some comment asking if they're calling him unfaithful or a skirt-chaser, but they're here offering him their fragile heart at last, and he'll accept it with all the care and delicacy he can muster. It's so typical of Cairngorm, not to specify what this is - this could really be anything, if they needed to run away and hide again. They'll make him read between the lines until the end. But Lupin's become quite good at it. And he knows that this is something gentle and precious and frightening and meant for him and no one else. The idea that they were listening all these months, that they felt that same tug that he did, that he'd managed to melt their cold exterior and find a place all his own among their thousand years of memories and emotions - he feels it rushing through his veins, exuberant and hot. He's been in love before. Recently, even. But it's always different - and Cairngorm is certainly the most different of them all.
He shifts his free hand as he speaks that last words, gently resting it on their hip, as if they're the one that will break if he makes a careless move. It's not so different from the stance he took as their dance partner. Yet there's a softness to it, a want to simply touch and be closer, and no purpose beyond that. ]
[ It's less a complaint and more of a lament, quiet and somewhat to themself. It was hard to tell when he was doing things because he's Lupin, someone who would help just about anyone, and when he was doing them because they're Cairngorm. They'd always thought there was a chance everything he did for them was just because he extends his hand to everyone he knows. It's no secret he's well liked by others, either. Now that he's said what he has, grappling with the idea that everything between them is because of his affection is a little less confusing, even if it's difficult to accept... he's offered his heart to them, too, but it's like it's too big for them to carry - they're clumsy in knowing how to handle it. So they fall silent, contemplative.
For as excited and happy as he seems, they seem equally sorrowful. No doubt, it's so fulfilling to hear this from him. But it feels like their "heart" is swelling and breaking at the same time. Even if he were to live out his natural lifespan here, that's - what, another sixty or seventy years? That's how long they have left with him, at maximum? It's such a short amount of time. He probably doesn't think that way at all - even spending a year or two with them...he might think that's enough. But it doesn't feel like enough for them. It's not fair, is what they think. Naturally, thinking all this makes them remember why they hadn't wanted to get too accustomed to this feeling, and to being around him. It's complicated, and they wish it wasn't... they'd never had the privilege of having someone all to themself, so that part is exciting, but its bittersweet in a way they know no other gem feels - at least not immediately.
Experimentally, they stroke their thumb against the back of his hand, stewing in everything. They don't know what to say or do now that they've gotten to this part, especially because they don't think he can understand what they're feeling right now. Obviously, Lupin has thought about this enough that he must have taken this into account. He said he's selfish, but he's not selfish enough to do this if didn't think it was for the greater good... that's the kind of person he is, and they know it. But even being aware of that, that doesn't make the weight on their shoulders any lighter, or their expression any less tense. It does keep them from moving away from his touch, preoccupied with their own thoughts and their tentative grip on his hand, looking at them like they don't even belong to either of them. ]
[ that comment makes him chuckle, and he shakes his head. ]
Hard to tell? I don't want to hear that from you.
[ he chides them playfully. If he's heard to read, Cairngorm is nightmare mode. But he gets it, or he thinks he gets it - they're the worrying, cynical type, and as hard as it may be for him to relate, he understands they probably didn't want to put their faith in anything they weren't certain of. (It's fortunate he's such a go-getter, or they probably would have kept circling each other in uncertainty forever.)
Lupin lets the silence sit between them for a second or two, gives them a second to recover or think. He may be laughing, but they're not - that pain in their bearing isn't going away, even with his reasserting himself. When he'd daydream of this, he'd always imagined them getting flustered and hiding their face in his chest so he wouldn't see them blushing, or something similarly adorable. But, again, things never go exactly as he imagines. Luckily, he still has his words. ]
I bet I know what you're thinking about, [ he says, quietly, and despite the serious subject matter, he maintains his smile, his confidence, though appropriately muted. ] We won't stay here forever. And I won't be around forever, either. Right?
[ it would be rather gauche for another human to think so far ahead so early on - but for Cairngorm, it's only natural, and he thinks nothing of it. Of course they're thinking in the long term. They've only known each other for a heartbeat, from their perspective. Even being trapped here will probably be nothing more than a tiny bump in the road of their life. This is one problem Lupin can't fix. He knows he can't fix it. He knows he probably won't be able to fully ease their fears or convince them it will be fine, either. The two of them live in different realities, in the end. Human and gem. ]
... For us mortals, nothing lasts forever. We all know that. It's sad, and so we don't like to think about it, but we always remember it. It's because we know that nothing can last that we try so hard to enjoy it all while we can. [ but in the end, aren't gems the same, in some way? They're fighting in a war; their best friends could disappear the very next day and never be seen again. So it can't be impossible for them to love or take risks. They wouldn't fight so hard to live, otherwise. ] I don't know when we'll get out of here. For all I know, I could wake up tomorrow and be back in London like nothing happened. But you know what? If that happens, I'll be much happier knowing I got to meet you and tell you all of this, even if we can only share this one single sunset. I'd choose that bit of sadness at losing you a thousand times over the regret I'd feel never having you at all.
[ will that make sense to Cairngorm? He doesn't know. He lives for fleeting joys and thrills; he grew up ready to lose everything at any moment, should he sleep on the wrong doorstep or pick the wrong pocket. Their life is full of combat, but it's constant, stable, reliable. He doesn't know, but he hopes his words reach them, somehow; this moment shouldn't be sad. It should be happy - for both of them. His fingers curl around theirs more tightly, and he leans his head in a little bit. ]
You don't have to be afraid. I said it before, didn't I? I'll make you smile - I promise. So be happy with me, even if it's only for a little while.
[ They listen carefully as he explains, trying to understand this from his point of view. Maybe he's right. They think that if they were to go back home tomorrow, they'd never forget this moment, even if multiple centuries passed. They'd remember his kind words and how he reached out his hand to them without hesitation. In whatever way, he's left a mark on them, changed them forever... they guess the idea of having never met him at all is worse than even knowing him for the short nine months that they have. They hadn't thought of it that way...
They can't let go of all the heartache at once, of course. There's still a hint of grief in their eyes when they finally look at him after he finishes, their brows drawn up. Be happy with me, he says. They're the type that doubts everyone around them, finds it hard to trust in anyone. Whether that's because they've never had to rely on anyone, or because they avoid doing so because it takes away from their reliable image... it's so hard to lean into this. But like they've seen in him before, there's a sense of reliability in his persistence and confidence, at least in this realm of matters. They want to be close to him, feel what they feel when they're near him more, and he wants to be dear to them, too. If they're going to lose him either way, is it better to at least make the most of it...?
After a long beat of silence, they break eye contact, watching themself tighten their hand around his in response. ]
...Alright. [ They might not look it now, but they do want to feel the lift of pressure off of them when they're by his side. Cairngorm isn't sure if it's "happiness", but they do feel better around him than they do around anyone else, that's for sure. There's still all their fears for what this means for the both of them, but if they agree now, they won't run the risk of him changing his mind. Always toeing this line and skirting around it had been risky enough. ] If you say so...
[ Over time, they've been understanding more and more that the reason why humans spend so much time celebrating and doing things they see as pointless is because - they realize how short their lives are. And they want to enjoy that time. That's the gist of what he's saying, right...? It'll make him happy if they are with him during whatever time he has. Even though they're a gem, and not someone he can be with in the same way he could with a human. In fairytales, humans fall in love with non-humans all the time. They weren't sure if it was something real humans did or not...
Then again, he'd always said he didn't care about that kind of thing very much to begin with. He's a free spirit that does whatever he wants; the complete opposite of them. Being "happy" was never very high up on their priority list - but they can tell from this conversation alone that their happiness has become something important to him, and that's enough to give them a warm feeling. The idea that their existence alone makes him happy fills them with a sense of unfamiliar pleasure, too. ]
You want us to be a pair from now on, then. I knew you wouldn't put that note where you did for no reason...
[ It's said with a slight sigh, putting up some semblance of their typical tired jeering, if only to break some of the tension, and to save some face. Mostly, they are deflecting attention from the pain all this is giving them, and will continue to give them if they pair up. Like he says, it's sad to think about. Obviously, he isn't planning on dwelling on it for the time being - and they feel that if they continue to wallow, his reassurance will start to feel like pity. ]
[ it's killing him, this grief and suffering they're so plainly going through. Enthusiasm was never in the cards, and he didn't think he'd be able to ease their worries with a few simple words, either, but this level of reluctance hurts. They feel the same way towards him. The difference is that they're still afraid to actually accept it. That's how he sees it, at least. Lupin lets go of their hip, moving his hand to cup their cheek, instead, gently urging them to look his way. ]
Yeah. That's what I want.
[ the tired attempt to break the tension is ignored; this is important to him, and frankly, hearing them force themself only makes the tension in him worse. His eyes are serious, searching, staring into their pale irises. He wants a lot of things. Cairngorm's never once asked him for anything. But this particular heist takes two people to finish. He's not about to take their time and their feelings them if they won't take the same from him. ]
What do you want, Cairn?
[ they're agreeing in words, their slender fingers are entwined with his, but they're only reacting, only allowing, only "if he says so" - it's not enough for him. He can't do this if he feels like they're simply letting themself be swept up in his current - especially because he knows, he's certain they feel this same warmth. Even if he thinks it would be good for them, even if he knows he could make them happy, he won't force them. He can't force them. He needs them to reach back towards him and take his hand themself. Any happiness he could give them would be meaningless if they can't even acknowledge that they want it. ]
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The only sign that he was there is one he meant to leave: on Cairngorm's bed, propped up against their stuffed Shiro, is the copy of Robin Hood that they'd lent him several months ago while he was recovering from his gunshot wound. That, too, is essentially in the condition they left it, but preserved between the pages of Robin Hood's 150th ballad is a single red rose, the kind that had previously been blooming in front of Lupin's house. Along with that is a card, helpfully signed (as if there was any doubt as to who left this there.) The contents read:
"To my fair Night-star Jewel, Cairngorm,
This is a notice of my intentions: that within the following thirty days I will appear before you, and at that time I will dispel all lingering Confusion between us, and I will take for myself two of your most prized possessions as you have taken the likes of them from me.
If you find this arrangement disagreeable I am graciously giving you time to consider how to stop me. However, you have demonstrated to me otherwise, and I believe you shall find yourself most content with allowing me to do as I please in this regard. Trust that I am thinking only of you and all that you offer.
Yours as always,
Arsène Lupin." ]
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They can't say they're unhappy about the promise of this state of confusion ending— not being able to tell his true thoughts or how much of what they've done is because of curses and magic is driving them insane. At this point, they're not even sure if they would prefer it if he just gets it over with, or puts it off until the thirtieth day. Ah, well, that's assuming they don't disagree to this arrangement, right? Before they realize it, they hadn't even been considering doing that. Hmm. Not a great sign...
The only other anxiety they have about his note other than the obvious one is the part about "possessions"; they can't recall taking anything from him, nor owning anything that he would like or have use for. The literalness of their reading impedes their full understanding of that portion, but... that's just what happens. There's nothing that can be done about that, except think about how to forcibly take things back from him if he tries to steal one of their very few items.
Well, that aside. There is one place that they think is safe to go to without crossing paths with him, and that's the library. If they do work, their mind will be taken off of this - at least, that's what they think. If he happens to see them inside (they're way too in their head to notice anyone entering), reality is at odds with that thought; they're distracted, not working terribly efficiently, sometimes staring at the same pages for minutes on end without even blinking. The copy of Robin Hood he'd returned to them sits on the library desk, obviously sans the note and rose, but still not shelved away. ]
forward dated to......... later in the month
Most people would probably be nervous about this. They're near a thousand years old, immortal, not even human, never smiled at him once in the 9 months he's known them - and that's beside the usual nerve-wracking stuff at times like these. But he doesn't make bets that he doesn't think he'll win. He's been watching them carefully, and as much as the town itself seems hellbent on clouding their true feelings, he's seen that blush in their cheeks and held their small cold hands in his enough times to believe in his chances. And, more than anything... he can't take it any longer. Putting up with this, stealing looks at each other when they think the other isn't watching and keeping everything safely veiled behind words just vague enough to leave one another guessing. Patience isn't one of Lupin's virtues, really. So he tightens his bow tie, buttons up his jacket, steels his heart and sets out for Cairngorm's home.
(he thought about wearing the thief getup, he really did, but they're never that impressed with it, and this is something he wants to say as Lupin, not the Gentleman Thief.)
The sun's setting when Lupin appears, aiming precisely for a time when he thinks they'll be home and in their room. It doesn't matter if the others are home or not. Why? Because he's going through the window. Or, rather, he's knocking at the window, perched on the outside like it's the most normal thing in the world - even if their room's a floor or two off the ground. ]
it............. Begins
Of course, there is only one reason why he is here right now. They have to admit the wait had been killing them, but at the same time, they almost were hoping he'd forget or something. Gems aren't too fond of change, after all, no matter how badly all this was eating away at them. Every part of that note, they've been overthinking about for days, weeks, to the point that it took considerable effort not to act strangely around other people. Even the placement of it stressed them out; there's no coincidence that it was placed in the 150th ballad, not with someone as dramatic as him. He's probably feeling nervous himself, but they too are definitely feeling the weight of all that built up anxiety when they look at him from across the room.
Eventually, though, they make the decision to close the book at their desk and stalk over to the window's vicinity, seemingly stressed but not in their usual way; the furrow in the brow seems forced, hands clenched to belie any nervousness. And then, without so much as opening the window, they speak: ]
What are you doing out there. [ They didn't think the "appear before them" part would be so literal. He's insane. Their voice is slightly hushed despite its stressed tone, as the others are indeed home. ] Here to take my stuff?
[ If they didn't have to talk so quietly, they wouldn't have even bothered getting close to the window, but alas. Still, they don't open it for him. ]
[ominous music]
That's right. But I'm starting with a kidnapping first. [ he keeps his voice low, too - he'd rather not deal with any interruptions. Returning to his usual confident expression, he makes a beckoning motion. ] Now, come with me. I've got a lot to say to you that you shouldn't hear through a window.
[ he'd hold his hand out to them if it weren't for that window, too, but alas. ]
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Then, they sigh, like they're resigning themself in defeat. Their hand goes to the latch. ]
You couldn't come to the door like someone normal? For crying out loud...
[ The note was dramatic enough. Whatever. They sort of missed their chance to tell him not to do this, and that's because they did want this outcome, at their core... not that they knew it would be like this. But since they missed that, they guess they don't really have a choice but to go along quickly and rip the bandaid off. ]
Get out of the way, then.
[ It's slightly reluctant, but they are opening it. The bottom line is that whatever he's about to tell them (which they can't let themself think about yet), they don't want anyone else to hear. ]
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[ he has a feeling Cairngorm would rather Lottie and Phos don't know about this little rendezvous, no matter what the outcome is - they keep to themself even around him. Then again, it's not like he'd want Akechi to know about this, either. This is between the two of them alone.
Once they've opened the latch, he drops down to the ground again, waiting for them to follow. As dramatic as they might think this is, it could have been much more so; for Lupin, this is tame, and he doesn't have any particularly grand destination in mind. Indeed, he seems a little quieter than usual, if anything; Flavo is quiet, too, in the snow, and that bit of tension in the air is all that belies his own nervousness. ]
Not what you were expecting from my card?
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I don't know what I expected.
[ For as much as they over-thought about the card itself, they didn't really have a clear image for what he was going to do, outside of confronting them in some way, and taking some of their things. So far, they guess this sort of lines up with that, even if the method startled them so much. It's weird, things have been strained between them for kind of a while now - ambiguous, but only enough so that there were still moments between them to cling onto and overthink about. In the moment, though, there's not a ton to question about what's going on. They both know that wherever this little walk leads to, along the way, something will change between them. Knowing that doesn't make anything less tense, though, especially not in the quiet.
They sigh, trying to quell their nerves, or at least put on a show that denies they're having any. ]
I wasn't sure how you were going to go about taking things from me when you told me you were going to do it.
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Not sure, huh...? With any luck, I think you'll be giving them to me yourself.
[ when he turns around again, a big grin breaks out on his face; he looks over his shoulder and makes a beckoning motion towards them before starting to run, breaking away from Flavo's dirt roads to head through some of its bare winter woods. ]
Come on! Follow me - there's no time to waste.
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[ That's.... maybe the last thing they expected him to do, so they're delayed in starting to follow him. They just sort of stand there in disbelief for a second or two, watching him dart off into the sparse woods. What does he mean, there isn't time to waste? Well, as much as they'd like to over think for a little more, he's getting farther and farther away.
Begrudgingly (very begrudgingly), they leave the path after him, though they're not putting all their strength into running. They don't want to catch up with him, in case they're getting led into some weird trap, so they trail four or five paces behind him. ]
Where are you going?!
[ They certainly didn't follow him to chase him through the woods, so they're feeling a little lost... ]
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[ truth be told, the two of them could have gotten there by walking just as well - but it would take longer, and he doesn't want a long, tense journey, filled with taut silences and filler small-talk, just to get to a place more private. That's the reason he's doing this, after all; he's tired of circling around the subject. His feelings. Their feelings. Lupin wants to get to the bottom of it.
Plus, it's cold out. No harm in getting his blood running.
Their destination really isn't far, though. He doesn't take Cairngorm more than a minute or two away, up a hill with an abandoned cottage sitting near the peak, not much different from the dozens of abandoned cottages in the district. This one's only slightly unusual in that it has the remains of a little greenhouse attached to it - and, naturally, that's straight where he leads them. A decent amount of the glass has been punched out of it, unsurprisingly, leaving piles of snow littered around; still, it keeps the wind out and provides a bit of shelter, and nature's already started reclaiming it. It's hard to tell which of the plants there snuck in from the woods and which ones were there originally and simply grew unruly. But there are plenty of them there, even in the winter, snowberries and camellias, and though they mostly lack color, they're dyed a gentle orange-purple hue by the sunlight still filtering in.
He comes to a stop in the middle of it, catching his breath just slightly before standing up straight and planting his hands on his hips. ]
Good - we made it in time! As expected of me and you.
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In time for what...?
[ At least they seem a little more exasperated than nervous— running had distracted them slightly, as does this new location. This is getting further and further from the vagueness of what they were expecting, so they're left with nothing to do but to let him lead them along and ask what's happening. They cross their arms, hugging themself almost defensively while they take another tentative step inside - they only get close enough so that he's a little more than arm's length away, watching him with as careful of an eye as they can muster. ]
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You don't know? This is the time of day where you look the most beautiful.
[ perfectly matter-of-fact, and perfectly earnest. His reasoning really is that simple. Their pale skin and glittering, near-translucent hair catch the rays of the setting sun in a way that would make any artist scramble for their easel and paints - at least, in his esteemed opinion. (He's stolen plenty of both gems and paintings, so he thinks he should know.) As they'd said, Cairngorm is certainly no princess, and they may not even be his princess by the end of this conversation, but it won't stop him from treating them like one. If they're going to hear what he has to say, they should at least know how brilliantly they shine in his eyes while he does it.
He does notice the way they keep their distance, their defensive posture and careful gaze, and he smiles, a little ruefully, a little affectionately. ]
I don't think I've ever seen you look so nervous around me. [ a beat. ] Even though you've been a lot closer to me than this. Maybe you were serious about not being able to relax around me, after all.
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That's...
[ They start, but don't finish. For someone sharp-tongued like them, it's odd to see them at such a loss for words. But how are they supposed to explain how they're feeling? They're nervous because they can't make sense of what's going on. They don't like being in situations where they can't feasibly predict what will happen. He'd said he was going to clear the confusion between them, hinting boldly that his feelings for them go outside the realm of platonic, but even so... thinking about what that means for the both of them, if that's even possible between them; it's stressed them out a lot, and still is.
They would've been perfectly fine just leaving things as they were with Lupin. Thinking of him from afar, being grateful to him for what he's done for them already. That's plenty for someone like them that doesn't ask for more than is readily handed to them. But all this, what he's done and what he intends to do here are pulling them out of their comfortable little world where they can keep to themself and stay away from a tangible attachment. That's what's making them nervous; a fear of change, and a fear of getting closer than they ought to. ]
...How am I supposed to relax? [ There is a little, tiny tinge of irritation, here. This much should be obvious to him. ] We're not here for no reason.
[ They can't look at him. In fact, when they dart their eyes to the side, it's almost like they're making sure they're truly alone. Is he not nervous, too...? ]
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As encouraging as it can be when Cairngorm looks so scared. They look particularly small and out-of-place in this moment. He wants to wrap them up in his arms and hold them close. But when the source of that fear is him, he can't exactly do that. Lupin has a variety of guesses on why they're so hesitant about this - that he's a human, that he's a mortal, that this is happening here in Chroma, that they've never had anyone love them before. All he can do now is try to overwhelm those fears with something softer. ]
Hah - fair point. Well then, I won't beleaguer the point... First order of business: dispel confusion.
[ he lets his arms drop back to his sides. As much as he enjoys planning things, he finds that planning out these moments too far ruins them, in a way - better to just let the flow of conversation guide him. All he keeps in mind are the things he wants to make sure they know. And no, shockingly, he no longer appears nervous at all. (Whether or not he actually is is another story entirely; he's simply had years of mastering the ability to hide his emotions underneath layers and layers of confidence.) ]
Sorry, but I've been lying to you. [ which sounds very ominous, but he continues, letting his eyes stray from them off towards the sunset. ] Back at that harvest festival, I told you it was that food making me act strangely. Taking you by the hand, all of that... Later, too, in the palace, when I told you to get close to me for warmth, and when I asked you to come with me to protect me from those snow knights? All nonsense. I was just finding excuses to stay close to you. You see, I'm a selfish man. I told you I didn't want you to get lonely, but in all honesty, I'm the one who would be lonely if I didn't get to see you.
[ his amber eyes flick back over to Cairngorm, and he smiles a little sheepishly, scratching his cheek with one gloved finger. ]
When Phos showed up, I was actually kind of jealous.
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No matter how much they've come to understand it on their own terms, they're still too apprehensive to readily assert that's really what he meant to imply. They can suspect it, but there's always the chance that they're misinterpreting things; they've had enough moments of misunderstanding human culture to be wary of it. Gem understanding aside, it's no secret to either of them that Cairngorm keeps to themself, and has historically not even been physically capable of being close to others, being loved by others. So, that inexperience is playing a role too, in their unease. Even his words here are still just short of letting them be completely 100% sure of it. Him admitting he's wanted to be close to them all this time is still a big deal, regardless... ]
Jealous of Phos?
[ They repeat back, tentative. They're recalling when he'd mistaken them for "lovers, or some gem equivalent." But even still. They won't assume that's what he's referring to. If they're going to be sure, they want to hear everything from Lupin himself. ]
And what reason do you have to be jealous of them?
[ Here's where they'd usually crack a harsh insult at Phos's numerous undesireable qualities, but they hold back, for now. Bigger fish to fry. ]
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Well... When I first met them, they said they were your better-than-best friend, your partner, someone you do everything together with. I remember thinking, "I can't believe Cairngorm's had someone else all along!" [ he laughs a little, shaking his head, then continues. ] They asked if I knew "their" Cairngorm. That really bothered me...
[ the only Cairngorm he knew was his - that had been his first thought, back then, even if he'd swallowed it so deeply he'd not acknowledged it even to himself. ]
You cleared it all up, of course. It doesn't bother me now. Actually, I'm glad you have someone you can count on back home. [ they need it; they shouldn't be alone. Lupin pauses, then, and then his voice softens. His words are quiet, but never lose their confidence. ] ... What's between you and I, it's special. I wanted it to be more special than your partnership, then - that's why I was jealous. I want to be the one you'll do everything with - the one you can rely on for anything and everything. I want to be the one you go to when you're bored, when you're lonely, when you're happy... I want to be the one who makes you smile, Cairn.
[ his pulse is thundering in his ears, but his expression remains calm, and certain; he's so much taller than they are, so he finds himself taking a knee, reaching for one of their hands with both of his own. Despite his big words, he didn't come here to steal anything - only to ask for it, and he does, meeting their eyes with an unwavering gaze. ]
Whether those desires are fulfilled or not is up to you to decide. But there is one thing I can tell you with certainty on my own - I'm in love with you. I mean it.
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I'm in love with you. I mean it. ]
What— what are you saying...
[ They splutter out, just to say something. It feels like their mind is lagging behind the current moment, dizzy with the weight of all the words that preceded that. Someone like Lupin, in love with them? Confident, popular Lupin. They don't think in their near thousand years of living that anyone has ever actually been jealous of the idea of them being close to someone else. Not only that, but he specifically doesn't want anyone else to be the one closest to them. Something blooms in their chest at realizing that, underneath the fear and metaphorical andrenaline— not warmth, but it definitely feels like something close to it. ]
I mean— what are you doing? [ They're overwhelmed by what they're feeling in the moment, and by what they feel for him. Gratitude, validation, affection. Its hard to come up with anything substantial to say; they don't necessarily mean to leave him hanging, but it's hard to process it all at once. So they buy themself some time, shifting their hand in his so they can tug up, but very clearly not tugging out. ] Get up.
[ What they're feeling is overwhelming enough; this dramatic display of him kneeling before them feels like so much attention is being drawn to them that its deafening. When it comes down to it, they're not used to being addressed so directly, or being put on a pedestal, so they naturally shy away from it. But they don't want to let go. Would it really be so bad? A partnership between them. Not of the kind that has to do with war, or sorting books in ancient libraries. Just someone they could rely on, who's acknowledged them like no one has before, cared about them like no one has before. Who they care a lot about, too. That's what they find themself thinking, while they stare back at him. ]
You're actually serious...? How can you...
[ Be in love with me? They're forcibly reminded that it's simply not in their nature to wholeheartedly believe they're anything too special to anyone - they knew something would come of that note, something was between them, but its way more intense when they're in the face of it. They don't necessarily doubt him, per se. Lupin is earnest as they come. But this moment feels unreal, almost; receiving this confession, for them and no one else, surrounded by the setting sun. It feels like a scene out of a fairytale. ]
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Lupin lets them pull him to his feet (not that he has much of a choice in the matter), keeping his fingers wrapped around theirs. No matter how this turned out, he wasn't going to regret any of it, but this part, the part after he tells them, is the one he could predict least of all. As far as he's concerned, there was a non-zero chance of them yelling at him and straight-up running away. But they don't; they're confused and sputtering, but they're not letting go, either. That spurs him on, just a little. He stays close to them when he stands. ]
How could I not be? You're beautiful, strong, clever... You can try to hide it all you like, but you've got a good heart, too. [ the words come out naturally - he's got no plans, now, just whatever's in his heart, and as he speaks them, he feels them burning stronger. Yes - how could he not be? Who else would defy him fearlessly, spit fire at him, yet still take his arm and carefully step around his feet when he wanted to show them how to dance? The same beautiful, delicate features that he'd gently held and mended with his own hands belonged to a warrior that could topple giants and shatter glaciers. Only the most spectacular jewels could catch the eye of the gentleman thief. There's no one else like Cairngorm.
he sighs, just slightly, not from exasperation or nerves, but from simple heartache. The more he says, the heavier it feels. He wants nothing more than to hold them and tell them every little good point they have until they're more of a ruby than a quartz and have no chance of forgetting any of it. But he's a gentleman. ]
You have no idea how wonderful you are.
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You're the only one...
[ That would say that about me, is what they want to say, but don't quite finish before their voice breaks off. It seems so simple. What he's saying is not even that complex or specific to them, just kind and natural, but it still shakes them to their core. It isn't the first time he's made them feel a sliver of what it's like to be wanted, but here, it feels all-encompassing, like they're being wrapped up in the feeling. He's right, they don't have any idea. Cairngorm doesn't necessarily hate themself, they just don't think of themself. Maybe that's why hearing this from him is so disorienting. All their life, they've gone unnoticed by nearly everyone - at first, unwillingly, and later, by choice. But he continues to reassure them of their inherent value, how "wonderful" they are in his eyes. That's more than people who have known them for centuries have ever done for them.
They let out a shuddering breath, keeping their head down, but looking at their hand between his. It feels like nothing else matters but these hands in theirs, and the storm of emotions running through them. Not the war at home, not this vile town they're stuck in, not the fact that they're an immortal crystal and he's human. Right now, he's the only thing that matters even a little to them. How grateful they feel to have met him, to receive this affection for him - that's what matters. He doesn't know how much this means to them, how much everything he already does means to them. Well, at least not yet.
Their hand tightens in his, and what they say next is raw, like its being wrenched out of them. ]
...You're the only one I could feel this for.
[ That's what they should say instead. Acknowledging what they feel for him to themself, and aloud to him, means coming to terms with the reality of inevitably losing someone they care for, and they'd been afraid of that - they still are. But he has to know. Its frightening to take the final step off the ledge and let themself fall, but they find that their longing for this tight feeling and for his kindness outweighs the instinct to shove away to protect themself. ]
To you— is that what I am?
[ Are they as special to him as he is to them? He doesn’t feel this for anyone else? That’s the last thing they want to know. ]
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So he's sure they're saying you're the only one that thinks that or something along those lines. They'd said similar things to him before. The conflict is plain on their face and the way they try to conceal it. Lupin is not ignorant of the fact that what he's doing might hurt them, probably will hurt them in the long run - he just believes the happiness he could give them will outweigh it. Maybe that's what they're worrying about now. Or maybe they're still feeling disbelief and a lack of worth. His mind keeps working tirelessly, coming up with more words, words to comfort, words to convince, something better to say to swat away those fears - but he doesn't end up needing any of them. His eyes widen when they finish their sentence at last - Cairngorm finally managed to take him off-guard in this conversation - before he smiles back, equal parts affectionate and boyishly excited. ]
Yes. You, and you alone.
[ he could joke around, make some comment asking if they're calling him unfaithful or a skirt-chaser, but they're here offering him their fragile heart at last, and he'll accept it with all the care and delicacy he can muster. It's so typical of Cairngorm, not to specify what this is - this could really be anything, if they needed to run away and hide again. They'll make him read between the lines until the end. But Lupin's become quite good at it. And he knows that this is something gentle and precious and frightening and meant for him and no one else. The idea that they were listening all these months, that they felt that same tug that he did, that he'd managed to melt their cold exterior and find a place all his own among their thousand years of memories and emotions - he feels it rushing through his veins, exuberant and hot. He's been in love before. Recently, even. But it's always different - and Cairngorm is certainly the most different of them all.
He shifts his free hand as he speaks that last words, gently resting it on their hip, as if they're the one that will break if he makes a careless move. It's not so different from the stance he took as their dance partner. Yet there's a softness to it, a want to simply touch and be closer, and no purpose beyond that. ]
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[ It's less a complaint and more of a lament, quiet and somewhat to themself. It was hard to tell when he was doing things because he's Lupin, someone who would help just about anyone, and when he was doing them because they're Cairngorm. They'd always thought there was a chance everything he did for them was just because he extends his hand to everyone he knows. It's no secret he's well liked by others, either. Now that he's said what he has, grappling with the idea that everything between them is because of his affection is a little less confusing, even if it's difficult to accept... he's offered his heart to them, too, but it's like it's too big for them to carry - they're clumsy in knowing how to handle it. So they fall silent, contemplative.
For as excited and happy as he seems, they seem equally sorrowful. No doubt, it's so fulfilling to hear this from him. But it feels like their "heart" is swelling and breaking at the same time. Even if he were to live out his natural lifespan here, that's - what, another sixty or seventy years? That's how long they have left with him, at maximum? It's such a short amount of time. He probably doesn't think that way at all - even spending a year or two with them...he might think that's enough. But it doesn't feel like enough for them. It's not fair, is what they think. Naturally, thinking all this makes them remember why they hadn't wanted to get too accustomed to this feeling, and to being around him. It's complicated, and they wish it wasn't... they'd never had the privilege of having someone all to themself, so that part is exciting, but its bittersweet in a way they know no other gem feels - at least not immediately.
Experimentally, they stroke their thumb against the back of his hand, stewing in everything. They don't know what to say or do now that they've gotten to this part, especially because they don't think he can understand what they're feeling right now. Obviously, Lupin has thought about this enough that he must have taken this into account. He said he's selfish, but he's not selfish enough to do this if didn't think it was for the greater good... that's the kind of person he is, and they know it. But even being aware of that, that doesn't make the weight on their shoulders any lighter, or their expression any less tense. It does keep them from moving away from his touch, preoccupied with their own thoughts and their tentative grip on his hand, looking at them like they don't even belong to either of them. ]
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Hard to tell? I don't want to hear that from you.
[ he chides them playfully. If he's heard to read, Cairngorm is nightmare mode. But he gets it, or he thinks he gets it - they're the worrying, cynical type, and as hard as it may be for him to relate, he understands they probably didn't want to put their faith in anything they weren't certain of. (It's fortunate he's such a go-getter, or they probably would have kept circling each other in uncertainty forever.)
Lupin lets the silence sit between them for a second or two, gives them a second to recover or think. He may be laughing, but they're not - that pain in their bearing isn't going away, even with his reasserting himself. When he'd daydream of this, he'd always imagined them getting flustered and hiding their face in his chest so he wouldn't see them blushing, or something similarly adorable. But, again, things never go exactly as he imagines. Luckily, he still has his words. ]
I bet I know what you're thinking about, [ he says, quietly, and despite the serious subject matter, he maintains his smile, his confidence, though appropriately muted. ] We won't stay here forever. And I won't be around forever, either. Right?
[ it would be rather gauche for another human to think so far ahead so early on - but for Cairngorm, it's only natural, and he thinks nothing of it. Of course they're thinking in the long term. They've only known each other for a heartbeat, from their perspective. Even being trapped here will probably be nothing more than a tiny bump in the road of their life. This is one problem Lupin can't fix. He knows he can't fix it. He knows he probably won't be able to fully ease their fears or convince them it will be fine, either. The two of them live in different realities, in the end. Human and gem. ]
... For us mortals, nothing lasts forever. We all know that. It's sad, and so we don't like to think about it, but we always remember it. It's because we know that nothing can last that we try so hard to enjoy it all while we can. [ but in the end, aren't gems the same, in some way? They're fighting in a war; their best friends could disappear the very next day and never be seen again. So it can't be impossible for them to love or take risks. They wouldn't fight so hard to live, otherwise. ] I don't know when we'll get out of here. For all I know, I could wake up tomorrow and be back in London like nothing happened. But you know what? If that happens, I'll be much happier knowing I got to meet you and tell you all of this, even if we can only share this one single sunset. I'd choose that bit of sadness at losing you a thousand times over the regret I'd feel never having you at all.
[ will that make sense to Cairngorm? He doesn't know. He lives for fleeting joys and thrills; he grew up ready to lose everything at any moment, should he sleep on the wrong doorstep or pick the wrong pocket. Their life is full of combat, but it's constant, stable, reliable. He doesn't know, but he hopes his words reach them, somehow; this moment shouldn't be sad. It should be happy - for both of them. His fingers curl around theirs more tightly, and he leans his head in a little bit. ]
You don't have to be afraid. I said it before, didn't I? I'll make you smile - I promise. So be happy with me, even if it's only for a little while.
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They can't let go of all the heartache at once, of course. There's still a hint of grief in their eyes when they finally look at him after he finishes, their brows drawn up. Be happy with me, he says. They're the type that doubts everyone around them, finds it hard to trust in anyone. Whether that's because they've never had to rely on anyone, or because they avoid doing so because it takes away from their reliable image... it's so hard to lean into this. But like they've seen in him before, there's a sense of reliability in his persistence and confidence, at least in this realm of matters. They want to be close to him, feel what they feel when they're near him more, and he wants to be dear to them, too. If they're going to lose him either way, is it better to at least make the most of it...?
After a long beat of silence, they break eye contact, watching themself tighten their hand around his in response. ]
...Alright. [ They might not look it now, but they do want to feel the lift of pressure off of them when they're by his side. Cairngorm isn't sure if it's "happiness", but they do feel better around him than they do around anyone else, that's for sure. There's still all their fears for what this means for the both of them, but if they agree now, they won't run the risk of him changing his mind. Always toeing this line and skirting around it had been risky enough. ] If you say so...
[ Over time, they've been understanding more and more that the reason why humans spend so much time celebrating and doing things they see as pointless is because - they realize how short their lives are. And they want to enjoy that time. That's the gist of what he's saying, right...? It'll make him happy if they are with him during whatever time he has. Even though they're a gem, and not someone he can be with in the same way he could with a human. In fairytales, humans fall in love with non-humans all the time. They weren't sure if it was something real humans did or not...
Then again, he'd always said he didn't care about that kind of thing very much to begin with. He's a free spirit that does whatever he wants; the complete opposite of them. Being "happy" was never very high up on their priority list - but they can tell from this conversation alone that their happiness has become something important to him, and that's enough to give them a warm feeling. The idea that their existence alone makes him happy fills them with a sense of unfamiliar pleasure, too. ]
You want us to be a pair from now on, then. I knew you wouldn't put that note where you did for no reason...
[ It's said with a slight sigh, putting up some semblance of their typical tired jeering, if only to break some of the tension, and to save some face. Mostly, they are deflecting attention from the pain all this is giving them, and will continue to give them if they pair up. Like he says, it's sad to think about. Obviously, he isn't planning on dwelling on it for the time being - and they feel that if they continue to wallow, his reassurance will start to feel like pity. ]
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Yeah. That's what I want.
[ the tired attempt to break the tension is ignored; this is important to him, and frankly, hearing them force themself only makes the tension in him worse. His eyes are serious, searching, staring into their pale irises. He wants a lot of things. Cairngorm's never once asked him for anything. But this particular heist takes two people to finish. He's not about to take their time and their feelings them if they won't take the same from him. ]
What do you want, Cairn?
[ they're agreeing in words, their slender fingers are entwined with his, but they're only reacting, only allowing, only "if he says so" - it's not enough for him. He can't do this if he feels like they're simply letting themself be swept up in his current - especially because he knows, he's certain they feel this same warmth. Even if he thinks it would be good for them, even if he knows he could make them happy, he won't force them. He can't force them. He needs them to reach back towards him and take his hand themself. Any happiness he could give them would be meaningless if they can't even acknowledge that they want it. ]
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