[ They're lucky there's so much snow. Under a normal circumstance, there'd be a heavy thud when they land, but thankfully, all the frost mutes it. With one last look to the window they shut behind them, they follow him - but not without leaving a little space between them. ]
I don't know what I expected.
[ For as much as they over-thought about the card itself, they didn't really have a clear image for what he was going to do, outside of confronting them in some way, and taking some of their things. So far, they guess this sort of lines up with that, even if the method startled them so much. It's weird, things have been strained between them for kind of a while now - ambiguous, but only enough so that there were still moments between them to cling onto and overthink about. In the moment, though, there's not a ton to question about what's going on. They both know that wherever this little walk leads to, along the way, something will change between them. Knowing that doesn't make anything less tense, though, especially not in the quiet.
They sigh, trying to quell their nerves, or at least put on a show that denies they're having any. ]
I wasn't sure how you were going to go about taking things from me when you told me you were going to do it.
[ it's hard to tell if Cairngorm took him very literally, or if they're being indirect about answering him -- either way, he wasn't expecting them to give him a useful answer, either. That's just how they are. And that's just fine. What's he even nervous about, anyway? He's only got things to be happy about. If they don't understand what his words meant, then he'll lay them out for them clearly - and if his gut is right (and it always is), he'll give them something to be happy about, too. Lupin turns to face them, walking backwards through the snow without skipping a beat. ]
Not sure, huh...? With any luck, I think you'll be giving them to me yourself.
[ when he turns around again, a big grin breaks out on his face; he looks over his shoulder and makes a beckoning motion towards them before starting to run, breaking away from Flavo's dirt roads to head through some of its bare winter woods. ]
[ That's.... maybe the last thing they expected him to do, so they're delayed in starting to follow him. They just sort of stand there in disbelief for a second or two, watching him dart off into the sparse woods. What does he mean, there isn't time to waste? Well, as much as they'd like to over think for a little more, he's getting farther and farther away.
Begrudgingly (very begrudgingly), they leave the path after him, though they're not putting all their strength into running. They don't want to catch up with him, in case they're getting led into some weird trap, so they trail four or five paces behind him. ]
Where are you going?!
[ They certainly didn't follow him to chase him through the woods, so they're feeling a little lost... ]
[ truth be told, the two of them could have gotten there by walking just as well - but it would take longer, and he doesn't want a long, tense journey, filled with taut silences and filler small-talk, just to get to a place more private. That's the reason he's doing this, after all; he's tired of circling around the subject. His feelings. Their feelings. Lupin wants to get to the bottom of it.
Plus, it's cold out. No harm in getting his blood running.
Their destination really isn't far, though. He doesn't take Cairngorm more than a minute or two away, up a hill with an abandoned cottage sitting near the peak, not much different from the dozens of abandoned cottages in the district. This one's only slightly unusual in that it has the remains of a little greenhouse attached to it - and, naturally, that's straight where he leads them. A decent amount of the glass has been punched out of it, unsurprisingly, leaving piles of snow littered around; still, it keeps the wind out and provides a bit of shelter, and nature's already started reclaiming it. It's hard to tell which of the plants there snuck in from the woods and which ones were there originally and simply grew unruly. But there are plenty of them there, even in the winter, snowberries and camellias, and though they mostly lack color, they're dyed a gentle orange-purple hue by the sunlight still filtering in.
He comes to a stop in the middle of it, catching his breath just slightly before standing up straight and planting his hands on his hips. ]
Good - we made it in time! As expected of me and you.
[ They maintain that distance from him even when they get to the greenhouse, slowing their gait to a careful walk once they enter. Obviously, they've never been over here. They're not the type to go exploring, or to go anywhere they don't absolutely need to in order to finish tasks. So they take in their surroundings for a beat; the broken glass, the flowers, how the sun tints them a different shade. It's pretty, if only from a distant standpoint. ]
In time for what...?
[ At least they seem a little more exasperated than nervous— running had distracted them slightly, as does this new location. This is getting further and further from the vagueness of what they were expecting, so they're left with nothing to do but to let him lead them along and ask what's happening. They cross their arms, hugging themself almost defensively while they take another tentative step inside - they only get close enough so that he's a little more than arm's length away, watching him with as careful of an eye as they can muster. ]
[ if it made them a little less nervous, then running over here like a couple of idiots was worth it. He turns around to face them, smiling as if the answer is obvious. ]
You don't know? This is the time of day where you look the most beautiful.
[ perfectly matter-of-fact, and perfectly earnest. His reasoning really is that simple. Their pale skin and glittering, near-translucent hair catch the rays of the setting sun in a way that would make any artist scramble for their easel and paints - at least, in his esteemed opinion. (He's stolen plenty of both gems and paintings, so he thinks he should know.) As they'd said, Cairngorm is certainly no princess, and they may not even be his princess by the end of this conversation, but it won't stop him from treating them like one. If they're going to hear what he has to say, they should at least know how brilliantly they shine in his eyes while he does it.
He does notice the way they keep their distance, their defensive posture and careful gaze, and he smiles, a little ruefully, a little affectionately. ]
I don't think I've ever seen you look so nervous around me. [ a beat. ] Even though you've been a lot closer to me than this. Maybe you were serious about not being able to relax around me, after all.
[ They pull their lips into a tight line when he says that, feeling his praise run through them like a shock. Of course, they don't believe fully that he'd really drag them here at this time specifically just to make a comment of their beauty in the setting sun. He's just saying it because he thinks it. It's difficult for them to know how to react to it, even if it gives them pleasant feeling... so they just avert their eyes to the floor, scuffing their heel against the boards. ]
That's...
[ They start, but don't finish. For someone sharp-tongued like them, it's odd to see them at such a loss for words. But how are they supposed to explain how they're feeling? They're nervous because they can't make sense of what's going on. They don't like being in situations where they can't feasibly predict what will happen. He'd said he was going to clear the confusion between them, hinting boldly that his feelings for them go outside the realm of platonic, but even so... thinking about what that means for the both of them, if that's even possible between them; it's stressed them out a lot, and still is.
They would've been perfectly fine just leaving things as they were with Lupin. Thinking of him from afar, being grateful to him for what he's done for them already. That's plenty for someone like them that doesn't ask for more than is readily handed to them. But all this, what he's done and what he intends to do here are pulling them out of their comfortable little world where they can keep to themself and stay away from a tangible attachment. That's what's making them nervous; a fear of change, and a fear of getting closer than they ought to. ]
...How am I supposed to relax? [ There is a little, tiny tinge of irritation, here. This much should be obvious to him. ] We're not here for no reason.
[ They can't look at him. In fact, when they dart their eyes to the side, it's almost like they're making sure they're truly alone. Is he not nervous, too...? ]
[ so they do know what's going on; Lupin hadn't actually been sure they understood what he'd been hinting at. How does romance work between gems? He has no idea. It was possible his intentions flew straight over their head. That they didn't is a relief, and encouraging, to boot.
As encouraging as it can be when Cairngorm looks so scared. They look particularly small and out-of-place in this moment. He wants to wrap them up in his arms and hold them close. But when the source of that fear is him, he can't exactly do that. Lupin has a variety of guesses on why they're so hesitant about this - that he's a human, that he's a mortal, that this is happening here in Chroma, that they've never had anyone love them before. All he can do now is try to overwhelm those fears with something softer. ]
Hah - fair point. Well then, I won't beleaguer the point... First order of business: dispel confusion.
[ he lets his arms drop back to his sides. As much as he enjoys planning things, he finds that planning out these moments too far ruins them, in a way - better to just let the flow of conversation guide him. All he keeps in mind are the things he wants to make sure they know. And no, shockingly, he no longer appears nervous at all. (Whether or not he actually is is another story entirely; he's simply had years of mastering the ability to hide his emotions underneath layers and layers of confidence.) ]
Sorry, but I've been lying to you. [ which sounds very ominous, but he continues, letting his eyes stray from them off towards the sunset. ] Back at that harvest festival, I told you it was that food making me act strangely. Taking you by the hand, all of that... Later, too, in the palace, when I told you to get close to me for warmth, and when I asked you to come with me to protect me from those snow knights? All nonsense. I was just finding excuses to stay close to you. You see, I'm a selfish man. I told you I didn't want you to get lonely, but in all honesty, I'm the one who would be lonely if I didn't get to see you.
[ his amber eyes flick back over to Cairngorm, and he smiles a little sheepishly, scratching his cheek with one gloved finger. ]
When Phos showed up, I was actually kind of jealous.
[ It's more like they have heightened suspicion that that's his intention here. They know they're not here for no reason just because of his warning alone. Gems have a vague understanding of romance; it's never something Cairngorm thought very much of, as 1) they were always busy dealing with their situation with Ghost and 2) gems don't tend to think of love in very distinct, defineable ways. Being in Chroma changed that. What they've come to understand through books and the people around them as love is not absurdly far from what they already thought of it - exclusive emotional intimacy is not a concept foreign to gems, after all. The depiction of it in this world is just slightly different. But their feelings for him, too, are slightly different than anything they've felt for anyone else.
No matter how much they've come to understand it on their own terms, they're still too apprehensive to readily assert that's really what he meant to imply. They can suspect it, but there's always the chance that they're misinterpreting things; they've had enough moments of misunderstanding human culture to be wary of it. Gem understanding aside, it's no secret to either of them that Cairngorm keeps to themself, and has historically not even been physically capable of being close to others, being loved by others. So, that inexperience is playing a role too, in their unease. Even his words here are still just short of letting them be completely 100% sure of it. Him admitting he's wanted to be close to them all this time is still a big deal, regardless... ]
Jealous of Phos?
[ They repeat back, tentative. They're recalling when he'd mistaken them for "lovers, or some gem equivalent." But even still. They won't assume that's what he's referring to. If they're going to be sure, they want to hear everything from Lupin himself. ]
And what reason do you have to be jealous of them?
[ Here's where they'd usually crack a harsh insult at Phos's numerous undesireable qualities, but they hold back, for now. Bigger fish to fry. ]
[ They need to ask? He knows they're not this clueless. Do they really have so little confidence in themself - so little faith in his feelings - that they still refuse to take that last logical leap? Maybe they just want to hear him say it out loud. That's fine. Lupin planned on getting there, anyway. Rather than giving them a hard time over their doubts, he simply accepts them, moving on smoothly. ]
Well... When I first met them, they said they were your better-than-best friend, your partner, someone you do everything together with. I remember thinking, "I can't believe Cairngorm's had someone else all along!" [ he laughs a little, shaking his head, then continues. ] They asked if I knew "their" Cairngorm. That really bothered me...
[ the only Cairngorm he knew was his - that had been his first thought, back then, even if he'd swallowed it so deeply he'd not acknowledged it even to himself. ]
You cleared it all up, of course. It doesn't bother me now. Actually, I'm glad you have someone you can count on back home. [ they need it; they shouldn't be alone. Lupin pauses, then, and then his voice softens. His words are quiet, but never lose their confidence. ] ... What's between you and I, it's special. I wanted it to be more special than your partnership, then - that's why I was jealous. I want to be the one you'll do everything with - the one you can rely on for anything and everything. I want to be the one you go to when you're bored, when you're lonely, when you're happy... I want to be the one who makes you smile, Cairn.
[ his pulse is thundering in his ears, but his expression remains calm, and certain; he's so much taller than they are, so he finds himself taking a knee, reaching for one of their hands with both of his own. Despite his big words, he didn't come here to steal anything - only to ask for it, and he does, meeting their eyes with an unwavering gaze. ]
Whether those desires are fulfilled or not is up to you to decide. But there is one thing I can tell you with certainty on my own - I'm in love with you. I mean it.
[ These words pierce through them like an arrow. They're so foreign on their ears; the prospect of someone wanting to be by their side, thinking of them as something special. Typically, they go through life not bothering making themself too visible to others— they stay on the path, stay mostly reclusive just as their predecessor had. But hearing this all, it makes them feel so exposed, so seen, like they're real, and not coasting under the guise of someone else. It's simultaneously thrilling and absolutely terrifying. It sort of puts them into a state of shock, even if they'd been suspecting something close to this turn of events. They grow more and more still the more he goes on, staring into his gaze with wide eyes.
I'm in love with you. I mean it. ]
What— what are you saying...
[ They splutter out, just to say something. It feels like their mind is lagging behind the current moment, dizzy with the weight of all the words that preceded that. Someone like Lupin, in love with them? Confident, popular Lupin. They don't think in their near thousand years of living that anyone has ever actually been jealous of the idea of them being close to someone else. Not only that, but he specifically doesn't want anyone else to be the one closest to them. Something blooms in their chest at realizing that, underneath the fear and metaphorical andrenaline— not warmth, but it definitely feels like something close to it. ]
I mean— what are you doing? [ They're overwhelmed by what they're feeling in the moment, and by what they feel for him. Gratitude, validation, affection. Its hard to come up with anything substantial to say; they don't necessarily mean to leave him hanging, but it's hard to process it all at once. So they buy themself some time, shifting their hand in his so they can tug up, but very clearly not tugging out. ] Get up.
[ What they're feeling is overwhelming enough; this dramatic display of him kneeling before them feels like so much attention is being drawn to them that its deafening. When it comes down to it, they're not used to being addressed so directly, or being put on a pedestal, so they naturally shy away from it. But they don't want to let go. Would it really be so bad? A partnership between them. Not of the kind that has to do with war, or sorting books in ancient libraries. Just someone they could rely on, who's acknowledged them like no one has before, cared about them like no one has before. Who they care a lot about, too. That's what they find themself thinking, while they stare back at him. ]
You're actually serious...? How can you...
[ Be in love with me? They're forcibly reminded that it's simply not in their nature to wholeheartedly believe they're anything too special to anyone - they knew something would come of that note, something was between them, but its way more intense when they're in the face of it. They don't necessarily doubt him, per se. Lupin is earnest as they come. But this moment feels unreal, almost; receiving this confession, for them and no one else, surrounded by the setting sun. It feels like a scene out of a fairytale. ]
[ He almost feels guilty for saying so much, knowing how shy they can be and how very unaccustomed to this they are. Almost, but not quite. He meant every word. Cairngorm deserves to hear it all.
Lupin lets them pull him to his feet (not that he has much of a choice in the matter), keeping his fingers wrapped around theirs. No matter how this turned out, he wasn't going to regret any of it, but this part, the part after he tells them, is the one he could predict least of all. As far as he's concerned, there was a non-zero chance of them yelling at him and straight-up running away. But they don't; they're confused and sputtering, but they're not letting go, either. That spurs him on, just a little. He stays close to them when he stands. ]
How could I not be? You're beautiful, strong, clever... You can try to hide it all you like, but you've got a good heart, too. [ the words come out naturally - he's got no plans, now, just whatever's in his heart, and as he speaks them, he feels them burning stronger. Yes - how could he not be? Who else would defy him fearlessly, spit fire at him, yet still take his arm and carefully step around his feet when he wanted to show them how to dance? The same beautiful, delicate features that he'd gently held and mended with his own hands belonged to a warrior that could topple giants and shatter glaciers. Only the most spectacular jewels could catch the eye of the gentleman thief. There's no one else like Cairngorm.
he sighs, just slightly, not from exasperation or nerves, but from simple heartache. The more he says, the heavier it feels. He wants nothing more than to hold them and tell them every little good point they have until they're more of a ruby than a quartz and have no chance of forgetting any of it. But he's a gentleman. ]
[ Their face twists before they can stop it at that little heartfelt sigh, and they duck their head as if it'll hide it from him. Something about the ease and gentle warmth from his last words push them over the edge. If they were physically able, they'd probably be on the verge of tears from this. ]
You're the only one...
[ That would say that about me, is what they want to say, but don't quite finish before their voice breaks off. It seems so simple. What he's saying is not even that complex or specific to them, just kind and natural, but it still shakes them to their core. It isn't the first time he's made them feel a sliver of what it's like to be wanted, but here, it feels all-encompassing, like they're being wrapped up in the feeling. He's right, they don't have any idea. Cairngorm doesn't necessarily hate themself, they just don't think of themself. Maybe that's why hearing this from him is so disorienting. All their life, they've gone unnoticed by nearly everyone - at first, unwillingly, and later, by choice. But he continues to reassure them of their inherent value, how "wonderful" they are in his eyes. That's more than people who have known them for centuries have ever done for them.
They let out a shuddering breath, keeping their head down, but looking at their hand between his. It feels like nothing else matters but these hands in theirs, and the storm of emotions running through them. Not the war at home, not this vile town they're stuck in, not the fact that they're an immortal crystal and he's human. Right now, he's the only thing that matters even a little to them. How grateful they feel to have met him, to receive this affection for him - that's what matters. He doesn't know how much this means to them, how much everything he already does means to them. Well, at least not yet.
Their hand tightens in his, and what they say next is raw, like its being wrenched out of them. ]
...You're the only one I could feel this for.
[ That's what they should say instead. Acknowledging what they feel for him to themself, and aloud to him, means coming to terms with the reality of inevitably losing someone they care for, and they'd been afraid of that - they still are. But he has to know. Its frightening to take the final step off the ledge and let themself fall, but they find that their longing for this tight feeling and for his kindness outweighs the instinct to shove away to protect themself. ]
To you— is that what I am?
[ Are they as special to him as he is to them? He doesn’t feel this for anyone else? That’s the last thing they want to know. ]
[ his next words were going to be reassurances that there was no need for them to respond to him immediately - this is a lot in a short period of time for someone who lives such a long, slow life, and their history and personality only make it all harder to accept, he's sure. When he planned this, he didn't necessarily expect everything to be resolved at once. He'd simply wanted to clear the air and perhaps learn, at the very least, if he did have a chance. Yes, he feels confident in his belief that they feel something for him, too, but assumptions couldn't take him further than this point. Plans rarely go off without a hitch, after all.
So he's sure they're saying you're the only one that thinks that or something along those lines. They'd said similar things to him before. The conflict is plain on their face and the way they try to conceal it. Lupin is not ignorant of the fact that what he's doing might hurt them, probably will hurt them in the long run - he just believes the happiness he could give them will outweigh it. Maybe that's what they're worrying about now. Or maybe they're still feeling disbelief and a lack of worth. His mind keeps working tirelessly, coming up with more words, words to comfort, words to convince, something better to say to swat away those fears - but he doesn't end up needing any of them. His eyes widen when they finish their sentence at last - Cairngorm finally managed to take him off-guard in this conversation - before he smiles back, equal parts affectionate and boyishly excited. ]
Yes. You, and you alone.
[ he could joke around, make some comment asking if they're calling him unfaithful or a skirt-chaser, but they're here offering him their fragile heart at last, and he'll accept it with all the care and delicacy he can muster. It's so typical of Cairngorm, not to specify what this is - this could really be anything, if they needed to run away and hide again. They'll make him read between the lines until the end. But Lupin's become quite good at it. And he knows that this is something gentle and precious and frightening and meant for him and no one else. The idea that they were listening all these months, that they felt that same tug that he did, that he'd managed to melt their cold exterior and find a place all his own among their thousand years of memories and emotions - he feels it rushing through his veins, exuberant and hot. He's been in love before. Recently, even. But it's always different - and Cairngorm is certainly the most different of them all.
He shifts his free hand as he speaks that last words, gently resting it on their hip, as if they're the one that will break if he makes a careless move. It's not so different from the stance he took as their dance partner. Yet there's a softness to it, a want to simply touch and be closer, and no purpose beyond that. ]
[ It's less a complaint and more of a lament, quiet and somewhat to themself. It was hard to tell when he was doing things because he's Lupin, someone who would help just about anyone, and when he was doing them because they're Cairngorm. They'd always thought there was a chance everything he did for them was just because he extends his hand to everyone he knows. It's no secret he's well liked by others, either. Now that he's said what he has, grappling with the idea that everything between them is because of his affection is a little less confusing, even if it's difficult to accept... he's offered his heart to them, too, but it's like it's too big for them to carry - they're clumsy in knowing how to handle it. So they fall silent, contemplative.
For as excited and happy as he seems, they seem equally sorrowful. No doubt, it's so fulfilling to hear this from him. But it feels like their "heart" is swelling and breaking at the same time. Even if he were to live out his natural lifespan here, that's - what, another sixty or seventy years? That's how long they have left with him, at maximum? It's such a short amount of time. He probably doesn't think that way at all - even spending a year or two with them...he might think that's enough. But it doesn't feel like enough for them. It's not fair, is what they think. Naturally, thinking all this makes them remember why they hadn't wanted to get too accustomed to this feeling, and to being around him. It's complicated, and they wish it wasn't... they'd never had the privilege of having someone all to themself, so that part is exciting, but its bittersweet in a way they know no other gem feels - at least not immediately.
Experimentally, they stroke their thumb against the back of his hand, stewing in everything. They don't know what to say or do now that they've gotten to this part, especially because they don't think he can understand what they're feeling right now. Obviously, Lupin has thought about this enough that he must have taken this into account. He said he's selfish, but he's not selfish enough to do this if didn't think it was for the greater good... that's the kind of person he is, and they know it. But even being aware of that, that doesn't make the weight on their shoulders any lighter, or their expression any less tense. It does keep them from moving away from his touch, preoccupied with their own thoughts and their tentative grip on his hand, looking at them like they don't even belong to either of them. ]
[ that comment makes him chuckle, and he shakes his head. ]
Hard to tell? I don't want to hear that from you.
[ he chides them playfully. If he's heard to read, Cairngorm is nightmare mode. But he gets it, or he thinks he gets it - they're the worrying, cynical type, and as hard as it may be for him to relate, he understands they probably didn't want to put their faith in anything they weren't certain of. (It's fortunate he's such a go-getter, or they probably would have kept circling each other in uncertainty forever.)
Lupin lets the silence sit between them for a second or two, gives them a second to recover or think. He may be laughing, but they're not - that pain in their bearing isn't going away, even with his reasserting himself. When he'd daydream of this, he'd always imagined them getting flustered and hiding their face in his chest so he wouldn't see them blushing, or something similarly adorable. But, again, things never go exactly as he imagines. Luckily, he still has his words. ]
I bet I know what you're thinking about, [ he says, quietly, and despite the serious subject matter, he maintains his smile, his confidence, though appropriately muted. ] We won't stay here forever. And I won't be around forever, either. Right?
[ it would be rather gauche for another human to think so far ahead so early on - but for Cairngorm, it's only natural, and he thinks nothing of it. Of course they're thinking in the long term. They've only known each other for a heartbeat, from their perspective. Even being trapped here will probably be nothing more than a tiny bump in the road of their life. This is one problem Lupin can't fix. He knows he can't fix it. He knows he probably won't be able to fully ease their fears or convince them it will be fine, either. The two of them live in different realities, in the end. Human and gem. ]
... For us mortals, nothing lasts forever. We all know that. It's sad, and so we don't like to think about it, but we always remember it. It's because we know that nothing can last that we try so hard to enjoy it all while we can. [ but in the end, aren't gems the same, in some way? They're fighting in a war; their best friends could disappear the very next day and never be seen again. So it can't be impossible for them to love or take risks. They wouldn't fight so hard to live, otherwise. ] I don't know when we'll get out of here. For all I know, I could wake up tomorrow and be back in London like nothing happened. But you know what? If that happens, I'll be much happier knowing I got to meet you and tell you all of this, even if we can only share this one single sunset. I'd choose that bit of sadness at losing you a thousand times over the regret I'd feel never having you at all.
[ will that make sense to Cairngorm? He doesn't know. He lives for fleeting joys and thrills; he grew up ready to lose everything at any moment, should he sleep on the wrong doorstep or pick the wrong pocket. Their life is full of combat, but it's constant, stable, reliable. He doesn't know, but he hopes his words reach them, somehow; this moment shouldn't be sad. It should be happy - for both of them. His fingers curl around theirs more tightly, and he leans his head in a little bit. ]
You don't have to be afraid. I said it before, didn't I? I'll make you smile - I promise. So be happy with me, even if it's only for a little while.
[ They listen carefully as he explains, trying to understand this from his point of view. Maybe he's right. They think that if they were to go back home tomorrow, they'd never forget this moment, even if multiple centuries passed. They'd remember his kind words and how he reached out his hand to them without hesitation. In whatever way, he's left a mark on them, changed them forever... they guess the idea of having never met him at all is worse than even knowing him for the short nine months that they have. They hadn't thought of it that way...
They can't let go of all the heartache at once, of course. There's still a hint of grief in their eyes when they finally look at him after he finishes, their brows drawn up. Be happy with me, he says. They're the type that doubts everyone around them, finds it hard to trust in anyone. Whether that's because they've never had to rely on anyone, or because they avoid doing so because it takes away from their reliable image... it's so hard to lean into this. But like they've seen in him before, there's a sense of reliability in his persistence and confidence, at least in this realm of matters. They want to be close to him, feel what they feel when they're near him more, and he wants to be dear to them, too. If they're going to lose him either way, is it better to at least make the most of it...?
After a long beat of silence, they break eye contact, watching themself tighten their hand around his in response. ]
...Alright. [ They might not look it now, but they do want to feel the lift of pressure off of them when they're by his side. Cairngorm isn't sure if it's "happiness", but they do feel better around him than they do around anyone else, that's for sure. There's still all their fears for what this means for the both of them, but if they agree now, they won't run the risk of him changing his mind. Always toeing this line and skirting around it had been risky enough. ] If you say so...
[ Over time, they've been understanding more and more that the reason why humans spend so much time celebrating and doing things they see as pointless is because - they realize how short their lives are. And they want to enjoy that time. That's the gist of what he's saying, right...? It'll make him happy if they are with him during whatever time he has. Even though they're a gem, and not someone he can be with in the same way he could with a human. In fairytales, humans fall in love with non-humans all the time. They weren't sure if it was something real humans did or not...
Then again, he'd always said he didn't care about that kind of thing very much to begin with. He's a free spirit that does whatever he wants; the complete opposite of them. Being "happy" was never very high up on their priority list - but they can tell from this conversation alone that their happiness has become something important to him, and that's enough to give them a warm feeling. The idea that their existence alone makes him happy fills them with a sense of unfamiliar pleasure, too. ]
You want us to be a pair from now on, then. I knew you wouldn't put that note where you did for no reason...
[ It's said with a slight sigh, putting up some semblance of their typical tired jeering, if only to break some of the tension, and to save some face. Mostly, they are deflecting attention from the pain all this is giving them, and will continue to give them if they pair up. Like he says, it's sad to think about. Obviously, he isn't planning on dwelling on it for the time being - and they feel that if they continue to wallow, his reassurance will start to feel like pity. ]
[ it's killing him, this grief and suffering they're so plainly going through. Enthusiasm was never in the cards, and he didn't think he'd be able to ease their worries with a few simple words, either, but this level of reluctance hurts. They feel the same way towards him. The difference is that they're still afraid to actually accept it. That's how he sees it, at least. Lupin lets go of their hip, moving his hand to cup their cheek, instead, gently urging them to look his way. ]
Yeah. That's what I want.
[ the tired attempt to break the tension is ignored; this is important to him, and frankly, hearing them force themself only makes the tension in him worse. His eyes are serious, searching, staring into their pale irises. He wants a lot of things. Cairngorm's never once asked him for anything. But this particular heist takes two people to finish. He's not about to take their time and their feelings them if they won't take the same from him. ]
What do you want, Cairn?
[ they're agreeing in words, their slender fingers are entwined with his, but they're only reacting, only allowing, only "if he says so" - it's not enough for him. He can't do this if he feels like they're simply letting themself be swept up in his current - especially because he knows, he's certain they feel this same warmth. Even if he thinks it would be good for them, even if he knows he could make them happy, he won't force them. He can't force them. He needs them to reach back towards him and take his hand themself. Any happiness he could give them would be meaningless if they can't even acknowledge that they want it. ]
[ Being asked that is physically jarring, if they’re being honest. The last time someone asked them what they wanted— it was a hundred and three years ago. ]
Um... I don’t know... whatever...
[ They let him touch their face, but they dart their eyes away as soon as they see how seriously he’s looking at them, a little bit of color coming into their cheeks. They’re so uncomfortable. They’re not accustomed to wanting things, much less saying as much, because they’ve lived their life with the mindset that they could always go without. When they’d been asked if they wanted a new name, they preferred to let other people make the decision for them. They want that here, too— they want to be led, want the responsibility of making a decision out of their hands. But the more they wait for him to make it himself, the more it becomes obvious that he won’t let up.
Its different, this time. Back then, they would’ve been okay staying named Ghost Quartz, because that was fine with everyone around them. It wasn’t until Phos reached their hand out to them that they were able to appreciate their strong and serious sounding name. Lupin, on the other hand, does not seem fine with just letting them coast the way they always have; no, he wants them to be happy, to choose happiness, and he obviously cares a lot about whatever they’re thinking. Maybe its sad that thats such an unfamiliar thought to them, but it is, so the beats following their flustered scrambling are heavy and awkward. ]
If we pair up... I'd be fine with it... [ They're aware even as they're saying it that this is not the response he wants. But they are trying, they really are, to express what they're feeling. It's hard, especially when communicating verbally comes so easily to him. ] I don’t want you to stop treating me the way you have been. Mostly...
[ The embarrassing phrases and stuff can go, but it's not the time to complain about that. They could lose him at a moments notice. There’s not the promise of always having another time to let him know how they feel, or to have a century to think about it. That’s what pushes them on to pry these words out of themself, their face becoming redder and it becoming more and more impossible to look anywhere in his direction. ]
To rely on you, and be something special to you... [ They feel so nervous. But why should they? It's Lupin... he's probably the only one it's safe to open up to this extent around. There's a curt sigh, like they're trying to let go of some of their frustration, before closing their eyes completely. ] I— want to.
[ even Lupin can't keep himself from looking crushed when they answer him with "whatever" and convince him for a brief second that he's somehow been cruelly fooling himself this entire time about Cairngorm's feelings for him. Thank goodness it becomes apparent very quickly that they're just embarrassed. Embarrassed is fine. He watches their cheek flush under the gloved pad of his thumb, and his expression relaxes again, a happier smile than before gradually creeping onto his face. It's obvious he's hanging onto their every word, awkward and stumbling as they may be.
Yes, embarrassed is fine. It's okay if they're shy, and it's okay if they're scared and worried about the future, too - as long as they're willing to try, and want to have him at their side, he'll take care of them. He'll find a way to fight those fears - or, at the very least, he'll love Cairngorm enough to make them nothing but distant maybe-one-days. Bold claims. Not a fiber of his being doubts that he can back them up. He can, and will. ]
Consider your wish granted, then.
[ A reply in a low voice, quiet, decisive. Not for the first time (not even in this conversation), Lupin finds them so painfully cute that he feels like it's taking all his willpower not to kiss those adorably red cheeks, cold weather be damned - and that brings him to the matter of his second theft of the evening, as outlined in his card. It might be a little devilish to take, considering how much he's overstimulated them already... But they've given him permission to be a little more selfish with their agreement to this "partnership" of theirs. ]
I've one more thing to ask you. Back in the ice palace... I'm glad you saved me and all, but doing that while I couldn't even appreciate it was foul play. I say we need a do-over. [ a pause; for the first time in this entire conversation, Lupin actually looks a bit shy, if only for a moment, smiling helplessly. ] ... May I kiss you?
[ They were slightly worried he’d be unsatisfied with their answer and ask them to elaborate, so they’re relieved they’re not going to be pushed to talk through their feelings anymore. Instead of stressing out about that, they can start settling into the reality where they’re a pair now, where they’re both choosing each other over anyone else...
And humans kiss the ones that they’re in love with. They recall easily what Lupin had said at that dance, how being close makes you feel less alone, its supposed to be comforting and a sign of trust for humans— back then, they thought it was pretty stupid, honestly. Now they’re seeing more of what he meant, in his shy and affectionate expression, and in his request.
They let out a little huff, slightly frustrated by how flustered they feel and how he keeps prolonging their embarrassment. “Foul play” is annoying too, and so is the fact that he’s reminding them he was conscious during that - what else were they supposed to do? He knows gems don’t do this, they’re not even sure if they can do it correctly... ]
If you’re gonna do it, just do it already...
[ They’ve frankly had enough of saying directly what they mean in this conversation, so they can’t stop themself from dodging the question while giving him the green light. If they were the same gem they were nine months ago, they wouldn’t pay this ritual a second thought— they’d think of it as something alien and definitely kind of gross. But its meaningful to him, and to them now too now that they can see the significance behind it... they lean slightly into his hand, fully expecting him to lead them. Its mortifying that they have no idea what they’re doing, but if this is something they get to share with him and him alone, then, they guess they can bear it. ]
[ Their huffy little reply gets him to laugh silently through his nose. Looks like they've hit their upper limit on being honest with him for the day. The sun's still setting, of course; no matter what, they'll be free from his attentions soon (and he did that on purpose, too, so they'd have a nice excuse to escape and ruminate on all this alone.) But it hasn't gone down quite yet, and so Lupin can keep them trapped here just a little bit longer. ]
Close your eyes.
[ he has no expectation that they'll know what to do here - he's very sure they're just indulging him and his weird human behaviors, in fact - but he's fine with that; taking the lead and making these romantic gestures has always been his bag, anyway. He can be careful and patient; he'll even endure a few bruises if he has to. He just wants to kiss them. Very badly. His hand doesn't leave theirs, holding it tightly; the other stays on their face, and he leans in, gently pressing a kiss to the opposite cheek before touching his lips to theirs.
Cairngorm's lips aren't warm - in fact, they're very cold after being out in the frozen air for this long. They aren't soft and yielding like the girls he's been with in the past. It's almost like kissing a marble statue: hard, smooth, strangely perfect in its shape. In another context, he might call the sensation unpleasant. But in this context - where that strange perfection beneath his lips and fingertips is Cairngorm, beautiful and living and accepting that flutter that's been living in his heart for weeks with shy reciprocation - Lupin can't even feel the chill. It's an innocent kiss, soft and chaste, but he lingers, as if the moment he leaves them, he won't be allowed to have this again. And maybe he won't. Maybe he really will wake up in his bed tomorrow. But if he does, he wants to make sure he doesn't forget - and that Cairngorm doesn't forget him, either, in the long, long winter of their life. ]
[ They find themself holding his hand back just as tightly as he is, letting their eyes fall closed when he starts leaning in— even without being prompted, they would have, because he’s just so close that they can hardly take it.
The brief kiss to their cheek gives them a moment to prepare for the soft feeling of his lips on theirs. Its definitely very weird, alien and like nothing they can compare it to... but its also pleasant in the way his lips have a sort of give, pliant and soft, even when they’re too unsure to press back too much. Its a world of difference between now and when they’d kissed him at the palace— it was out of desperation then, and without any of the gentleness of this. Even if they’re still reeling from everything they’ve spoken about, they can’t stop thinking about how this is meant only for them. Its strange, sure, but when its him, someone who treasures them and only them, they can’t find it in themself to care too much.
They tilt their head a little more to the side, like they’ve seen in books, letting him linger there while they lean into his hand. They’re not sure when this is supposed to end, and they almost don’t want it to, since its almost as if in this surreal moment, framed by the warm light and the silence around them, like all the constant weight on them is lifted off. He has that effect on them, they’ve realized. When they’re with him, its like— they’re free. ]
[ sadly, it does have to end, because Lupin needs to breathe - after a long moment, he pulls back quietly, letting out a small sigh. The bite of the cold remains on his lips after parting, but he doesn't mind; the warm buzz filling his body offsets it. He doesn't even know how long he's wanted to do that anymore. How many months? Who knows - but he's done it at last, and more: he's taken their heart, too. The feeling of giddy satisfaction that had left him briefly while he tried to calm Cairngorm's worries is coming back. They felt the same. They let him kiss them -- no, they even tried to kiss him back, despite not knowing what to do and being afraid of hurting him. He looks as cool and collected as ever, smiling roguishly at them over the scant few inches he's put between them, but there's a spark of excitement in his eyes. ]
That was much better.
[ teasing, but very, very affectionate. He delicately brushes a stray strand of hair behind their ear before at last letting them go, standing up straight again and letting his hand fall to his side. (Naturally, the one interlocked with theirs stays that way - he couldn't escape their grip, and he doesn't want to, anyway.) ]
And with that, my mission's accomplished. [ a grin, playful, a bit more tender than usual. ] Thank you kindly, ma chérie. I think I'll be enjoying my stolen rewards for a while to come.
[ Naturally, they frown at his teasing, quickly trying to regain ground. It's not their style to remain so vulnerable for so long, even if the flush in their face stays for a few extra beats after the fact. When he pulls back, they lessen their hold in his hand, wondering if they're supposed to let go now - sure, they held hands for a long time back at that festival, but they're pretty sure that was a result of them not wanting him to be able to escape. They guess it is a bit weird to keep doing this, but he also doesn't seem to be letting go... ]
Rewards?
[ They repeat back, slightly distracted by their thinking. Oh. That's right. His card had said he was going to steal things from them... they'd forgotten about it in the midst of all this. Is it— that play on words he's used before? That "a heart to steal" thing. It can't be something that silly and abstract, can it? ]
I don't know what you're talking about.... that, and the "ma chérie" thing. [ They'd always assumed it was just some little slip of their understanding, but when they think about it, he really only says that during moments like these. ] If I'm supposed to understand it, I don't.
[ Sometimes Lupin randomly says words they don't understand; they usually just skip over it because it's not that important, and they don't care that much, considering they have the huge Town Translating Everything They Say magic to blame for the mess up. ]
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I don't know what I expected.
[ For as much as they over-thought about the card itself, they didn't really have a clear image for what he was going to do, outside of confronting them in some way, and taking some of their things. So far, they guess this sort of lines up with that, even if the method startled them so much. It's weird, things have been strained between them for kind of a while now - ambiguous, but only enough so that there were still moments between them to cling onto and overthink about. In the moment, though, there's not a ton to question about what's going on. They both know that wherever this little walk leads to, along the way, something will change between them. Knowing that doesn't make anything less tense, though, especially not in the quiet.
They sigh, trying to quell their nerves, or at least put on a show that denies they're having any. ]
I wasn't sure how you were going to go about taking things from me when you told me you were going to do it.
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Not sure, huh...? With any luck, I think you'll be giving them to me yourself.
[ when he turns around again, a big grin breaks out on his face; he looks over his shoulder and makes a beckoning motion towards them before starting to run, breaking away from Flavo's dirt roads to head through some of its bare winter woods. ]
Come on! Follow me - there's no time to waste.
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[ That's.... maybe the last thing they expected him to do, so they're delayed in starting to follow him. They just sort of stand there in disbelief for a second or two, watching him dart off into the sparse woods. What does he mean, there isn't time to waste? Well, as much as they'd like to over think for a little more, he's getting farther and farther away.
Begrudgingly (very begrudgingly), they leave the path after him, though they're not putting all their strength into running. They don't want to catch up with him, in case they're getting led into some weird trap, so they trail four or five paces behind him. ]
Where are you going?!
[ They certainly didn't follow him to chase him through the woods, so they're feeling a little lost... ]
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[ truth be told, the two of them could have gotten there by walking just as well - but it would take longer, and he doesn't want a long, tense journey, filled with taut silences and filler small-talk, just to get to a place more private. That's the reason he's doing this, after all; he's tired of circling around the subject. His feelings. Their feelings. Lupin wants to get to the bottom of it.
Plus, it's cold out. No harm in getting his blood running.
Their destination really isn't far, though. He doesn't take Cairngorm more than a minute or two away, up a hill with an abandoned cottage sitting near the peak, not much different from the dozens of abandoned cottages in the district. This one's only slightly unusual in that it has the remains of a little greenhouse attached to it - and, naturally, that's straight where he leads them. A decent amount of the glass has been punched out of it, unsurprisingly, leaving piles of snow littered around; still, it keeps the wind out and provides a bit of shelter, and nature's already started reclaiming it. It's hard to tell which of the plants there snuck in from the woods and which ones were there originally and simply grew unruly. But there are plenty of them there, even in the winter, snowberries and camellias, and though they mostly lack color, they're dyed a gentle orange-purple hue by the sunlight still filtering in.
He comes to a stop in the middle of it, catching his breath just slightly before standing up straight and planting his hands on his hips. ]
Good - we made it in time! As expected of me and you.
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In time for what...?
[ At least they seem a little more exasperated than nervous— running had distracted them slightly, as does this new location. This is getting further and further from the vagueness of what they were expecting, so they're left with nothing to do but to let him lead them along and ask what's happening. They cross their arms, hugging themself almost defensively while they take another tentative step inside - they only get close enough so that he's a little more than arm's length away, watching him with as careful of an eye as they can muster. ]
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You don't know? This is the time of day where you look the most beautiful.
[ perfectly matter-of-fact, and perfectly earnest. His reasoning really is that simple. Their pale skin and glittering, near-translucent hair catch the rays of the setting sun in a way that would make any artist scramble for their easel and paints - at least, in his esteemed opinion. (He's stolen plenty of both gems and paintings, so he thinks he should know.) As they'd said, Cairngorm is certainly no princess, and they may not even be his princess by the end of this conversation, but it won't stop him from treating them like one. If they're going to hear what he has to say, they should at least know how brilliantly they shine in his eyes while he does it.
He does notice the way they keep their distance, their defensive posture and careful gaze, and he smiles, a little ruefully, a little affectionately. ]
I don't think I've ever seen you look so nervous around me. [ a beat. ] Even though you've been a lot closer to me than this. Maybe you were serious about not being able to relax around me, after all.
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That's...
[ They start, but don't finish. For someone sharp-tongued like them, it's odd to see them at such a loss for words. But how are they supposed to explain how they're feeling? They're nervous because they can't make sense of what's going on. They don't like being in situations where they can't feasibly predict what will happen. He'd said he was going to clear the confusion between them, hinting boldly that his feelings for them go outside the realm of platonic, but even so... thinking about what that means for the both of them, if that's even possible between them; it's stressed them out a lot, and still is.
They would've been perfectly fine just leaving things as they were with Lupin. Thinking of him from afar, being grateful to him for what he's done for them already. That's plenty for someone like them that doesn't ask for more than is readily handed to them. But all this, what he's done and what he intends to do here are pulling them out of their comfortable little world where they can keep to themself and stay away from a tangible attachment. That's what's making them nervous; a fear of change, and a fear of getting closer than they ought to. ]
...How am I supposed to relax? [ There is a little, tiny tinge of irritation, here. This much should be obvious to him. ] We're not here for no reason.
[ They can't look at him. In fact, when they dart their eyes to the side, it's almost like they're making sure they're truly alone. Is he not nervous, too...? ]
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As encouraging as it can be when Cairngorm looks so scared. They look particularly small and out-of-place in this moment. He wants to wrap them up in his arms and hold them close. But when the source of that fear is him, he can't exactly do that. Lupin has a variety of guesses on why they're so hesitant about this - that he's a human, that he's a mortal, that this is happening here in Chroma, that they've never had anyone love them before. All he can do now is try to overwhelm those fears with something softer. ]
Hah - fair point. Well then, I won't beleaguer the point... First order of business: dispel confusion.
[ he lets his arms drop back to his sides. As much as he enjoys planning things, he finds that planning out these moments too far ruins them, in a way - better to just let the flow of conversation guide him. All he keeps in mind are the things he wants to make sure they know. And no, shockingly, he no longer appears nervous at all. (Whether or not he actually is is another story entirely; he's simply had years of mastering the ability to hide his emotions underneath layers and layers of confidence.) ]
Sorry, but I've been lying to you. [ which sounds very ominous, but he continues, letting his eyes stray from them off towards the sunset. ] Back at that harvest festival, I told you it was that food making me act strangely. Taking you by the hand, all of that... Later, too, in the palace, when I told you to get close to me for warmth, and when I asked you to come with me to protect me from those snow knights? All nonsense. I was just finding excuses to stay close to you. You see, I'm a selfish man. I told you I didn't want you to get lonely, but in all honesty, I'm the one who would be lonely if I didn't get to see you.
[ his amber eyes flick back over to Cairngorm, and he smiles a little sheepishly, scratching his cheek with one gloved finger. ]
When Phos showed up, I was actually kind of jealous.
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No matter how much they've come to understand it on their own terms, they're still too apprehensive to readily assert that's really what he meant to imply. They can suspect it, but there's always the chance that they're misinterpreting things; they've had enough moments of misunderstanding human culture to be wary of it. Gem understanding aside, it's no secret to either of them that Cairngorm keeps to themself, and has historically not even been physically capable of being close to others, being loved by others. So, that inexperience is playing a role too, in their unease. Even his words here are still just short of letting them be completely 100% sure of it. Him admitting he's wanted to be close to them all this time is still a big deal, regardless... ]
Jealous of Phos?
[ They repeat back, tentative. They're recalling when he'd mistaken them for "lovers, or some gem equivalent." But even still. They won't assume that's what he's referring to. If they're going to be sure, they want to hear everything from Lupin himself. ]
And what reason do you have to be jealous of them?
[ Here's where they'd usually crack a harsh insult at Phos's numerous undesireable qualities, but they hold back, for now. Bigger fish to fry. ]
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Well... When I first met them, they said they were your better-than-best friend, your partner, someone you do everything together with. I remember thinking, "I can't believe Cairngorm's had someone else all along!" [ he laughs a little, shaking his head, then continues. ] They asked if I knew "their" Cairngorm. That really bothered me...
[ the only Cairngorm he knew was his - that had been his first thought, back then, even if he'd swallowed it so deeply he'd not acknowledged it even to himself. ]
You cleared it all up, of course. It doesn't bother me now. Actually, I'm glad you have someone you can count on back home. [ they need it; they shouldn't be alone. Lupin pauses, then, and then his voice softens. His words are quiet, but never lose their confidence. ] ... What's between you and I, it's special. I wanted it to be more special than your partnership, then - that's why I was jealous. I want to be the one you'll do everything with - the one you can rely on for anything and everything. I want to be the one you go to when you're bored, when you're lonely, when you're happy... I want to be the one who makes you smile, Cairn.
[ his pulse is thundering in his ears, but his expression remains calm, and certain; he's so much taller than they are, so he finds himself taking a knee, reaching for one of their hands with both of his own. Despite his big words, he didn't come here to steal anything - only to ask for it, and he does, meeting their eyes with an unwavering gaze. ]
Whether those desires are fulfilled or not is up to you to decide. But there is one thing I can tell you with certainty on my own - I'm in love with you. I mean it.
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I'm in love with you. I mean it. ]
What— what are you saying...
[ They splutter out, just to say something. It feels like their mind is lagging behind the current moment, dizzy with the weight of all the words that preceded that. Someone like Lupin, in love with them? Confident, popular Lupin. They don't think in their near thousand years of living that anyone has ever actually been jealous of the idea of them being close to someone else. Not only that, but he specifically doesn't want anyone else to be the one closest to them. Something blooms in their chest at realizing that, underneath the fear and metaphorical andrenaline— not warmth, but it definitely feels like something close to it. ]
I mean— what are you doing? [ They're overwhelmed by what they're feeling in the moment, and by what they feel for him. Gratitude, validation, affection. Its hard to come up with anything substantial to say; they don't necessarily mean to leave him hanging, but it's hard to process it all at once. So they buy themself some time, shifting their hand in his so they can tug up, but very clearly not tugging out. ] Get up.
[ What they're feeling is overwhelming enough; this dramatic display of him kneeling before them feels like so much attention is being drawn to them that its deafening. When it comes down to it, they're not used to being addressed so directly, or being put on a pedestal, so they naturally shy away from it. But they don't want to let go. Would it really be so bad? A partnership between them. Not of the kind that has to do with war, or sorting books in ancient libraries. Just someone they could rely on, who's acknowledged them like no one has before, cared about them like no one has before. Who they care a lot about, too. That's what they find themself thinking, while they stare back at him. ]
You're actually serious...? How can you...
[ Be in love with me? They're forcibly reminded that it's simply not in their nature to wholeheartedly believe they're anything too special to anyone - they knew something would come of that note, something was between them, but its way more intense when they're in the face of it. They don't necessarily doubt him, per se. Lupin is earnest as they come. But this moment feels unreal, almost; receiving this confession, for them and no one else, surrounded by the setting sun. It feels like a scene out of a fairytale. ]
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Lupin lets them pull him to his feet (not that he has much of a choice in the matter), keeping his fingers wrapped around theirs. No matter how this turned out, he wasn't going to regret any of it, but this part, the part after he tells them, is the one he could predict least of all. As far as he's concerned, there was a non-zero chance of them yelling at him and straight-up running away. But they don't; they're confused and sputtering, but they're not letting go, either. That spurs him on, just a little. He stays close to them when he stands. ]
How could I not be? You're beautiful, strong, clever... You can try to hide it all you like, but you've got a good heart, too. [ the words come out naturally - he's got no plans, now, just whatever's in his heart, and as he speaks them, he feels them burning stronger. Yes - how could he not be? Who else would defy him fearlessly, spit fire at him, yet still take his arm and carefully step around his feet when he wanted to show them how to dance? The same beautiful, delicate features that he'd gently held and mended with his own hands belonged to a warrior that could topple giants and shatter glaciers. Only the most spectacular jewels could catch the eye of the gentleman thief. There's no one else like Cairngorm.
he sighs, just slightly, not from exasperation or nerves, but from simple heartache. The more he says, the heavier it feels. He wants nothing more than to hold them and tell them every little good point they have until they're more of a ruby than a quartz and have no chance of forgetting any of it. But he's a gentleman. ]
You have no idea how wonderful you are.
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You're the only one...
[ That would say that about me, is what they want to say, but don't quite finish before their voice breaks off. It seems so simple. What he's saying is not even that complex or specific to them, just kind and natural, but it still shakes them to their core. It isn't the first time he's made them feel a sliver of what it's like to be wanted, but here, it feels all-encompassing, like they're being wrapped up in the feeling. He's right, they don't have any idea. Cairngorm doesn't necessarily hate themself, they just don't think of themself. Maybe that's why hearing this from him is so disorienting. All their life, they've gone unnoticed by nearly everyone - at first, unwillingly, and later, by choice. But he continues to reassure them of their inherent value, how "wonderful" they are in his eyes. That's more than people who have known them for centuries have ever done for them.
They let out a shuddering breath, keeping their head down, but looking at their hand between his. It feels like nothing else matters but these hands in theirs, and the storm of emotions running through them. Not the war at home, not this vile town they're stuck in, not the fact that they're an immortal crystal and he's human. Right now, he's the only thing that matters even a little to them. How grateful they feel to have met him, to receive this affection for him - that's what matters. He doesn't know how much this means to them, how much everything he already does means to them. Well, at least not yet.
Their hand tightens in his, and what they say next is raw, like its being wrenched out of them. ]
...You're the only one I could feel this for.
[ That's what they should say instead. Acknowledging what they feel for him to themself, and aloud to him, means coming to terms with the reality of inevitably losing someone they care for, and they'd been afraid of that - they still are. But he has to know. Its frightening to take the final step off the ledge and let themself fall, but they find that their longing for this tight feeling and for his kindness outweighs the instinct to shove away to protect themself. ]
To you— is that what I am?
[ Are they as special to him as he is to them? He doesn’t feel this for anyone else? That’s the last thing they want to know. ]
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So he's sure they're saying you're the only one that thinks that or something along those lines. They'd said similar things to him before. The conflict is plain on their face and the way they try to conceal it. Lupin is not ignorant of the fact that what he's doing might hurt them, probably will hurt them in the long run - he just believes the happiness he could give them will outweigh it. Maybe that's what they're worrying about now. Or maybe they're still feeling disbelief and a lack of worth. His mind keeps working tirelessly, coming up with more words, words to comfort, words to convince, something better to say to swat away those fears - but he doesn't end up needing any of them. His eyes widen when they finish their sentence at last - Cairngorm finally managed to take him off-guard in this conversation - before he smiles back, equal parts affectionate and boyishly excited. ]
Yes. You, and you alone.
[ he could joke around, make some comment asking if they're calling him unfaithful or a skirt-chaser, but they're here offering him their fragile heart at last, and he'll accept it with all the care and delicacy he can muster. It's so typical of Cairngorm, not to specify what this is - this could really be anything, if they needed to run away and hide again. They'll make him read between the lines until the end. But Lupin's become quite good at it. And he knows that this is something gentle and precious and frightening and meant for him and no one else. The idea that they were listening all these months, that they felt that same tug that he did, that he'd managed to melt their cold exterior and find a place all his own among their thousand years of memories and emotions - he feels it rushing through his veins, exuberant and hot. He's been in love before. Recently, even. But it's always different - and Cairngorm is certainly the most different of them all.
He shifts his free hand as he speaks that last words, gently resting it on their hip, as if they're the one that will break if he makes a careless move. It's not so different from the stance he took as their dance partner. Yet there's a softness to it, a want to simply touch and be closer, and no purpose beyond that. ]
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[ It's less a complaint and more of a lament, quiet and somewhat to themself. It was hard to tell when he was doing things because he's Lupin, someone who would help just about anyone, and when he was doing them because they're Cairngorm. They'd always thought there was a chance everything he did for them was just because he extends his hand to everyone he knows. It's no secret he's well liked by others, either. Now that he's said what he has, grappling with the idea that everything between them is because of his affection is a little less confusing, even if it's difficult to accept... he's offered his heart to them, too, but it's like it's too big for them to carry - they're clumsy in knowing how to handle it. So they fall silent, contemplative.
For as excited and happy as he seems, they seem equally sorrowful. No doubt, it's so fulfilling to hear this from him. But it feels like their "heart" is swelling and breaking at the same time. Even if he were to live out his natural lifespan here, that's - what, another sixty or seventy years? That's how long they have left with him, at maximum? It's such a short amount of time. He probably doesn't think that way at all - even spending a year or two with them...he might think that's enough. But it doesn't feel like enough for them. It's not fair, is what they think. Naturally, thinking all this makes them remember why they hadn't wanted to get too accustomed to this feeling, and to being around him. It's complicated, and they wish it wasn't... they'd never had the privilege of having someone all to themself, so that part is exciting, but its bittersweet in a way they know no other gem feels - at least not immediately.
Experimentally, they stroke their thumb against the back of his hand, stewing in everything. They don't know what to say or do now that they've gotten to this part, especially because they don't think he can understand what they're feeling right now. Obviously, Lupin has thought about this enough that he must have taken this into account. He said he's selfish, but he's not selfish enough to do this if didn't think it was for the greater good... that's the kind of person he is, and they know it. But even being aware of that, that doesn't make the weight on their shoulders any lighter, or their expression any less tense. It does keep them from moving away from his touch, preoccupied with their own thoughts and their tentative grip on his hand, looking at them like they don't even belong to either of them. ]
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Hard to tell? I don't want to hear that from you.
[ he chides them playfully. If he's heard to read, Cairngorm is nightmare mode. But he gets it, or he thinks he gets it - they're the worrying, cynical type, and as hard as it may be for him to relate, he understands they probably didn't want to put their faith in anything they weren't certain of. (It's fortunate he's such a go-getter, or they probably would have kept circling each other in uncertainty forever.)
Lupin lets the silence sit between them for a second or two, gives them a second to recover or think. He may be laughing, but they're not - that pain in their bearing isn't going away, even with his reasserting himself. When he'd daydream of this, he'd always imagined them getting flustered and hiding their face in his chest so he wouldn't see them blushing, or something similarly adorable. But, again, things never go exactly as he imagines. Luckily, he still has his words. ]
I bet I know what you're thinking about, [ he says, quietly, and despite the serious subject matter, he maintains his smile, his confidence, though appropriately muted. ] We won't stay here forever. And I won't be around forever, either. Right?
[ it would be rather gauche for another human to think so far ahead so early on - but for Cairngorm, it's only natural, and he thinks nothing of it. Of course they're thinking in the long term. They've only known each other for a heartbeat, from their perspective. Even being trapped here will probably be nothing more than a tiny bump in the road of their life. This is one problem Lupin can't fix. He knows he can't fix it. He knows he probably won't be able to fully ease their fears or convince them it will be fine, either. The two of them live in different realities, in the end. Human and gem. ]
... For us mortals, nothing lasts forever. We all know that. It's sad, and so we don't like to think about it, but we always remember it. It's because we know that nothing can last that we try so hard to enjoy it all while we can. [ but in the end, aren't gems the same, in some way? They're fighting in a war; their best friends could disappear the very next day and never be seen again. So it can't be impossible for them to love or take risks. They wouldn't fight so hard to live, otherwise. ] I don't know when we'll get out of here. For all I know, I could wake up tomorrow and be back in London like nothing happened. But you know what? If that happens, I'll be much happier knowing I got to meet you and tell you all of this, even if we can only share this one single sunset. I'd choose that bit of sadness at losing you a thousand times over the regret I'd feel never having you at all.
[ will that make sense to Cairngorm? He doesn't know. He lives for fleeting joys and thrills; he grew up ready to lose everything at any moment, should he sleep on the wrong doorstep or pick the wrong pocket. Their life is full of combat, but it's constant, stable, reliable. He doesn't know, but he hopes his words reach them, somehow; this moment shouldn't be sad. It should be happy - for both of them. His fingers curl around theirs more tightly, and he leans his head in a little bit. ]
You don't have to be afraid. I said it before, didn't I? I'll make you smile - I promise. So be happy with me, even if it's only for a little while.
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They can't let go of all the heartache at once, of course. There's still a hint of grief in their eyes when they finally look at him after he finishes, their brows drawn up. Be happy with me, he says. They're the type that doubts everyone around them, finds it hard to trust in anyone. Whether that's because they've never had to rely on anyone, or because they avoid doing so because it takes away from their reliable image... it's so hard to lean into this. But like they've seen in him before, there's a sense of reliability in his persistence and confidence, at least in this realm of matters. They want to be close to him, feel what they feel when they're near him more, and he wants to be dear to them, too. If they're going to lose him either way, is it better to at least make the most of it...?
After a long beat of silence, they break eye contact, watching themself tighten their hand around his in response. ]
...Alright. [ They might not look it now, but they do want to feel the lift of pressure off of them when they're by his side. Cairngorm isn't sure if it's "happiness", but they do feel better around him than they do around anyone else, that's for sure. There's still all their fears for what this means for the both of them, but if they agree now, they won't run the risk of him changing his mind. Always toeing this line and skirting around it had been risky enough. ] If you say so...
[ Over time, they've been understanding more and more that the reason why humans spend so much time celebrating and doing things they see as pointless is because - they realize how short their lives are. And they want to enjoy that time. That's the gist of what he's saying, right...? It'll make him happy if they are with him during whatever time he has. Even though they're a gem, and not someone he can be with in the same way he could with a human. In fairytales, humans fall in love with non-humans all the time. They weren't sure if it was something real humans did or not...
Then again, he'd always said he didn't care about that kind of thing very much to begin with. He's a free spirit that does whatever he wants; the complete opposite of them. Being "happy" was never very high up on their priority list - but they can tell from this conversation alone that their happiness has become something important to him, and that's enough to give them a warm feeling. The idea that their existence alone makes him happy fills them with a sense of unfamiliar pleasure, too. ]
You want us to be a pair from now on, then. I knew you wouldn't put that note where you did for no reason...
[ It's said with a slight sigh, putting up some semblance of their typical tired jeering, if only to break some of the tension, and to save some face. Mostly, they are deflecting attention from the pain all this is giving them, and will continue to give them if they pair up. Like he says, it's sad to think about. Obviously, he isn't planning on dwelling on it for the time being - and they feel that if they continue to wallow, his reassurance will start to feel like pity. ]
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Yeah. That's what I want.
[ the tired attempt to break the tension is ignored; this is important to him, and frankly, hearing them force themself only makes the tension in him worse. His eyes are serious, searching, staring into their pale irises. He wants a lot of things. Cairngorm's never once asked him for anything. But this particular heist takes two people to finish. He's not about to take their time and their feelings them if they won't take the same from him. ]
What do you want, Cairn?
[ they're agreeing in words, their slender fingers are entwined with his, but they're only reacting, only allowing, only "if he says so" - it's not enough for him. He can't do this if he feels like they're simply letting themself be swept up in his current - especially because he knows, he's certain they feel this same warmth. Even if he thinks it would be good for them, even if he knows he could make them happy, he won't force them. He can't force them. He needs them to reach back towards him and take his hand themself. Any happiness he could give them would be meaningless if they can't even acknowledge that they want it. ]
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Um... I don’t know... whatever...
[ They let him touch their face, but they dart their eyes away as soon as they see how seriously he’s looking at them, a little bit of color coming into their cheeks. They’re so uncomfortable. They’re not accustomed to wanting things, much less saying as much, because they’ve lived their life with the mindset that they could always go without. When they’d been asked if they wanted a new name, they preferred to let other people make the decision for them. They want that here, too— they want to be led, want the responsibility of making a decision out of their hands. But the more they wait for him to make it himself, the more it becomes obvious that he won’t let up.
Its different, this time. Back then, they would’ve been okay staying named Ghost Quartz, because that was fine with everyone around them. It wasn’t until Phos reached their hand out to them that they were able to appreciate their strong and serious sounding name. Lupin, on the other hand, does not seem fine with just letting them coast the way they always have; no, he wants them to be happy, to choose happiness, and he obviously cares a lot about whatever they’re thinking. Maybe its sad that thats such an unfamiliar thought to them, but it is, so the beats following their flustered scrambling are heavy and awkward. ]
If we pair up... I'd be fine with it... [ They're aware even as they're saying it that this is not the response he wants. But they are trying, they really are, to express what they're feeling. It's hard, especially when communicating verbally comes so easily to him. ] I don’t want you to stop treating me the way you have been. Mostly...
[ The embarrassing phrases and stuff can go, but it's not the time to complain about that. They could lose him at a moments notice. There’s not the promise of always having another time to let him know how they feel, or to have a century to think about it. That’s what pushes them on to pry these words out of themself, their face becoming redder and it becoming more and more impossible to look anywhere in his direction. ]
To rely on you, and be something special to you... [ They feel so nervous. But why should they? It's Lupin... he's probably the only one it's safe to open up to this extent around. There's a curt sigh, like they're trying to let go of some of their frustration, before closing their eyes completely. ] I— want to.
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Yes, embarrassed is fine. It's okay if they're shy, and it's okay if they're scared and worried about the future, too - as long as they're willing to try, and want to have him at their side, he'll take care of them. He'll find a way to fight those fears - or, at the very least, he'll love Cairngorm enough to make them nothing but distant maybe-one-days. Bold claims. Not a fiber of his being doubts that he can back them up. He can, and will. ]
Consider your wish granted, then.
[ A reply in a low voice, quiet, decisive. Not for the first time (not even in this conversation), Lupin finds them so painfully cute that he feels like it's taking all his willpower not to kiss those adorably red cheeks, cold weather be damned - and that brings him to the matter of his second theft of the evening, as outlined in his card. It might be a little devilish to take, considering how much he's overstimulated them already... But they've given him permission to be a little more selfish with their agreement to this "partnership" of theirs. ]
I've one more thing to ask you. Back in the ice palace... I'm glad you saved me and all, but doing that while I couldn't even appreciate it was foul play. I say we need a do-over. [ a pause; for the first time in this entire conversation, Lupin actually looks a bit shy, if only for a moment, smiling helplessly. ] ... May I kiss you?
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And humans kiss the ones that they’re in love with. They recall easily what Lupin had said at that dance, how being close makes you feel less alone, its supposed to be comforting and a sign of trust for humans— back then, they thought it was pretty stupid, honestly. Now they’re seeing more of what he meant, in his shy and affectionate expression, and in his request.
They let out a little huff, slightly frustrated by how flustered they feel and how he keeps prolonging their embarrassment. “Foul play” is annoying too, and so is the fact that he’s reminding them he was conscious during that - what else were they supposed to do? He knows gems don’t do this, they’re not even sure if they can do it correctly... ]
If you’re gonna do it, just do it already...
[ They’ve frankly had enough of saying directly what they mean in this conversation, so they can’t stop themself from dodging the question while giving him the green light. If they were the same gem they were nine months ago, they wouldn’t pay this ritual a second thought— they’d think of it as something alien and definitely kind of gross. But its meaningful to him, and to them now too now that they can see the significance behind it... they lean slightly into his hand, fully expecting him to lead them. Its mortifying that they have no idea what they’re doing, but if this is something they get to share with him and him alone, then, they guess they can bear it. ]
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Close your eyes.
[ he has no expectation that they'll know what to do here - he's very sure they're just indulging him and his weird human behaviors, in fact - but he's fine with that; taking the lead and making these romantic gestures has always been his bag, anyway. He can be careful and patient; he'll even endure a few bruises if he has to. He just wants to kiss them. Very badly. His hand doesn't leave theirs, holding it tightly; the other stays on their face, and he leans in, gently pressing a kiss to the opposite cheek before touching his lips to theirs.
Cairngorm's lips aren't warm - in fact, they're very cold after being out in the frozen air for this long. They aren't soft and yielding like the girls he's been with in the past. It's almost like kissing a marble statue: hard, smooth, strangely perfect in its shape. In another context, he might call the sensation unpleasant. But in this context - where that strange perfection beneath his lips and fingertips is Cairngorm, beautiful and living and accepting that flutter that's been living in his heart for weeks with shy reciprocation - Lupin can't even feel the chill. It's an innocent kiss, soft and chaste, but he lingers, as if the moment he leaves them, he won't be allowed to have this again. And maybe he won't. Maybe he really will wake up in his bed tomorrow. But if he does, he wants to make sure he doesn't forget - and that Cairngorm doesn't forget him, either, in the long, long winter of their life. ]
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The brief kiss to their cheek gives them a moment to prepare for the soft feeling of his lips on theirs. Its definitely very weird, alien and like nothing they can compare it to... but its also pleasant in the way his lips have a sort of give, pliant and soft, even when they’re too unsure to press back too much. Its a world of difference between now and when they’d kissed him at the palace— it was out of desperation then, and without any of the gentleness of this. Even if they’re still reeling from everything they’ve spoken about, they can’t stop thinking about how this is meant only for them. Its strange, sure, but when its him, someone who treasures them and only them, they can’t find it in themself to care too much.
They tilt their head a little more to the side, like they’ve seen in books, letting him linger there while they lean into his hand. They’re not sure when this is supposed to end, and they almost don’t want it to, since its almost as if in this surreal moment, framed by the warm light and the silence around them, like all the constant weight on them is lifted off. He has that effect on them, they’ve realized. When they’re with him, its like— they’re free. ]
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That was much better.
[ teasing, but very, very affectionate. He delicately brushes a stray strand of hair behind their ear before at last letting them go, standing up straight again and letting his hand fall to his side. (Naturally, the one interlocked with theirs stays that way - he couldn't escape their grip, and he doesn't want to, anyway.) ]
And with that, my mission's accomplished. [ a grin, playful, a bit more tender than usual. ] Thank you kindly, ma chérie. I think I'll be enjoying my stolen rewards for a while to come.
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Rewards?
[ They repeat back, slightly distracted by their thinking. Oh. That's right. His card had said he was going to steal things from them... they'd forgotten about it in the midst of all this. Is it— that play on words he's used before? That "a heart to steal" thing. It can't be something that silly and abstract, can it? ]
I don't know what you're talking about.... that, and the "ma chérie" thing. [ They'd always assumed it was just some little slip of their understanding, but when they think about it, he really only says that during moments like these. ] If I'm supposed to understand it, I don't.
[ Sometimes Lupin randomly says words they don't understand; they usually just skip over it because it's not that important, and they don't care that much, considering they have the huge Town Translating Everything They Say magic to blame for the mess up. ]
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